This year my birthday was intentionally low-key. The week-long blow-outs of the past are far behind me now.

I struggled to get up that morning. After breakfast, showering, and then feeding and walking the dog, I opened my cards. There was one gift from a dear friend that made me say “fuckity fuck fuck! Wow!”

Instead, when my soon-to-be-ex husband asked if I had any plans, I suggested that he and I go out for the day to Beaulieu. We have passed through the village many times, kayaked up the river to the mill, and I have cycled through it more times that I can remember – sometimes stopping for an ice cream or coffee on the wharf.

Before we left his flat, he gave me a few well-thought out birthday presents – including a cheeky mug with the words “Jay knows everything – and if he doesn’t he makes stuff up real fast”, which made me laugh, but also made me feel uncomfortable. There was a puppy play T shirt, a crystal to hang in the window that will throw rainbows across the lounge, and some coloured beakers.

Beaulieu is about thirty minutes drive from the house. He chattered on the way about difficulties in his life, including a recent allergic reaction that had required a hospital visit! When I am with him, I am aware that my cheerful mask comes on – a sort of jolly-hockysticks face. Why is that? What is the purpose of that barrier? I do not know.

We parked up, paid, and entered. It was still an hour from lunchtime so we went into the motor museum.

The museum is packed full of history – did you know that electric cars go back to the early 1900s!! You can’t help but look for cars that you knew as a child. And that’s when I realised that this museum isn’t suitable for children: everything had polite “do not touch” signs. If you have a kid, they will want to touch everything! And if you’re like me, then touch is an important sensory component and its uncomfortable not to feel textures.

The motorcycle section was more nostalgic for me. I have had a car for a long time, and I grew up with cars … but in my twenties and thirties I had a series of motorcycles – and being a “biker” formed an important part of my identity. When I stopped riding, I felt real grief. I’ll write about that some day.

They had various Suzuki GSX-R editions. The bike of my dreams was a GSX-R … that’s something else I will tease you with now and come back to another time!

I was feeling faint with hunger when we finished the museum (we didn’t see all of it), so we ate. Fish and chips! Husband suggested that because I’d originally wanted to go to the seaside, but the weather was a little inclement. The batter and the chips were very crispy!

While at lunch, he talked about the troubles he has. There is more help now that he has an autism diagnosis. I cannot help but wish that he had been diagnosed decades ago. Wishes can’t change the past.

After lunch, we walked to the abbey ruins. The old refectory is actually used as Beaulieu parish church. We sat in there in silence for a while. Neither of us is religious, but there is something about being in a space that has been used for devotion for centuries. I do not know if I would have the same feelings in a non-Christian site. I should find out!

The house faces across the estuary towards the village. The part of the house that is open to the public is full of centuries of paintings of the Montagu family (the owners). It becomes clear that the current Lord Montagu loved his father and great aunt very much. There was plenty to see in the house.

After a coffee and cake, it was time to leave – the place was closing up!

My poor husband had walked further today than any day since his emphysema diagnosis. He was tired.

But it was a lovely day together. He was sad – because our marriage is over. I am sad as well, but not nearly as much as him. I think that I was just burnt out after so many difficult years.

But as he got out of the car to return to his flat, we gave each other a hug.

And I silently mouthed an eternal truth: I love you.