Part 2 of 4 in a short series reflecting on Polysecure by Jessica Fern

At one point, the book poses a series of questions:

If I turn towards you, will you be there for me?
Will you receive and accept me instead of attack, criticize, dismiss or judge me?
Will you comfort me?
Will you respond in ways that calm my nervous system?
Do I matter to you?
Can we rely on each other?
(p.166)

That question about calming the nervous system stopped me.

It’s such a simple idea. But it landed heavily.

When I think about Funiculosus and Patricius, I find they tick many of those boxes. I feel calm with them. Safe. In the short time I’ve known them, they’ve shown they can be relied upon – sometimes practically, sometimes emotionally.

That sense of safety is noticeable.

It’s not dramatic. It’s not intense.

It’s… quiet.

It feels unfair to compare, but I have very rarely found my husband a soothing presence. With him, I often felt judged or criticised. And in a crisis, I couldn’t lean into him.

But here’s the uncomfortable part.

I think he would say the same about me.

That I didn’t calm his nervous system. That he felt judged by me.

It runs both ways.

So what does that mean?

Not that one of us was right and the other wrong.
But that something between us wasn’t regulating. It wasn’t settling.

Maybe we weren’t safe for each other.

Later, the book talks about something else:

“Being a secure base… means supporting each other’s growth… even when that means time apart.”
(p.168)

That struck me too.

Funiculosus, for example, can’t wait to tell his partner about what he gets up to with me. They share openly, with enthusiasm. There’s no sense of secrecy or threat – just inclusion.

That’s very different from my experience of marriage.

I often felt unable to share things from my life, because I had to deal with his emotional reaction to them. My feelings were eclipsed. Instead of shared joy, there was tension. Distrust.

So now I find myself wondering:

Is this what safety actually feels like?

Not intensity. Not fusion.
But calm, openness, and space to exist without being managed.

And if that’s true… then I may have spent a long time in relationships that never quite let my nervous system settle.