Following on from London Leather 1…

Content note: This post includes kink, BDSM dynamics, and sexual themes (non-graphic).

I woke next to the little Philippino guy, who started by cuddling me before going full on randy rabbit. He was a little sweetie with very sensitive nipples. For some guys, the nipples are the most sensual and sexual parts of their bodies.

Slowly, the four of us got up. Cicero made us all coffees, and then we walked to the shop to buy some bits for lunch. The Star was going to cook us some crispy Thai chicken, and Cicero wanted to get us some prosciutto and cheese.

What strange feelings I have now as I recall that morning! It makes me feel so happy that I have tears in my eyes: four guys cuddling and caressing and looking after each other. This is how I imagine that it feels to live in a chosen family – always affection available, always touch, and love, and support.

The chicken was out of this world, being infused with flavours of ginger and lime. Star is a talented chef!

For the afternoon, we lazed on the sofa cuddling, watching American Horror “New York”. This was the first American Horror to be explicitly gay being set at the start of the AIDS crisis; others have had queer characters.

It’s incredibly sad that so many young men died as much from the disease as from the lack of care and compassion in society. I grew up in that time and lived with some of the trauma and fear – now, at 51, I’m living the life of sexual liberation that I missed in my twenties. Fear of sex being lethal somewhat kills the mood sometimes.

Cicero, Star, and myself caught the tube to the Lord Clyde. I’d been there before, so I was already feeling a little more comfortable.

I wasn’t prepared for how busy it was though! The last time I went was to an event called “Paunch”, which celebrates the larger gentleman. Tonight was continuing the theme of the London Leather Weekend, so there were bears, but the crowd was more varied.

One of the things that I love about both Hunter and the Lord Clyde is the body positivity: there’s no point in feeling self-conscious because there are men if all shapes and sizes and ages and nationalities. The one thing that neither event has to was women. I ended up wandering around without my shorts because I felt so comfortable in my body – that is a feeling that I wish I could bottle and sell!

Early in the evening, a couple of kinksters gave a presentation of what kink meant for them and how it worked in their relationship. Its worth noting that size or body shape has no bearing on who plays what role in kink. In this instance, the big hairy guy with a beard was the sub, the smooth little guy was the Dom.

After their talk, they gave a demo of corporal punishment using a bewildering (and sometimes terrifying) assortment of toys: floggers, a bundle of sticks, paddles, sharp cracks, dull thuds, baseball bat, and cricket bat.

The sub guy only flinched occasionally, confirming that the whacks must hurt. The Dom was constantly updating the sub on what’s coming and checking on how the sub felt. And he would occasionally hold the sub, which I find deeply moving. Pain as an expression of love.

Indeed, listening and talking to other subs, there are a number who sound as though they are neuro-divergent in some way and find the physical contact of a BDSM scene calming. I wrote about neuro-divergence and kink a little while ago.

Cicero stretches what I’m willing to try, which is one reason I have a strong affection for him. The last person to stretch me was my husband – and that was many years ago. I love this life of my exploration and growth that now I find myself living.

I had a couple of adventures while I was at the Clyde. A cute bottom bear switched to top for me, and I went into the dark room by myself for the first time – there I learnt that whilst I might like beards, I do not like soggy beards. I also discovered that just because something starts as an anonymous fumble in the dark, doesn’t mean that it can’t end with a polite chat over a drink in the light later.

Something else that I have learnt is that I have to accept that my body has changed thanks to the heart medication. Getting hard is difficult, and I am rarely able cum; whilst I don’t mind that too much myself (being a subby bottom), sometimes the top likes something to play with. However, it does help me to say “I take heart pills, my cock doesn’t work” and then the top can relax and now that its nothing to do with them – it also enables me to relax. Cicero was very good at reassuring me that it was OK.

Which brings me to something else that I have come to appreciate: that texture is sexually significant to me –

While in the candy stores of masculinity, I became intensely aware of how important physical texture is to my attraction towards somebody. For me, body hair doesn’t just look sexy, it feels sexy and it’s touch on my skin is electric. My most sensitive area for touching fur is the inside of my wrist, but sometimes (if the poor guy will let me), I will attempt to rub my entire torso against his fur.

Similarly, I am repulsed by certain other textures – cold, wet, hair is horrible and an instant turn-off.

I suspect that these strong feelings around texture might be from neuro-divergence, as it doesn’t seem to be such a thing for most neurotypical men. I have no idea whether women feel the same about bodily textures. This all ties into my thinking on neurodivergence and kink.

The evening ended with Star, Cicero, and myself all sleeping together in the same bed … along with Cicero’s dog, who just didn’t want to be left out.

There was something sweet and innocent in our shared exhaustion and intertwined bodies sharing the vulnerability of sleep.