Yesterday was the first of the two day event that is Southampton Pride. I really didn’t feel like going in the evening after driving back from my dad’s, so I decided that I would pop down for lunch to support the event on the Sunday. I messaged my husband Sunday morning to ask if he’d like to join me.

A couple of hours later, having not heard from him, I messaged a fellow that I’d been messaging on Scruff and asked if he’d like to meet me for a coffee later on the day. He was up for it. We agreed to meet at a local bric-a-brac emporium.

Ten minutes after is agreed with my new local friend to meet up, my husband messaged about meeting at Pride mid-afternoon.

Great.

I didn’t want to change my plans. I didn’t want to mess this new friend around. But I also felt like I needed to take care of my husband’s feelings.

Stress!

My tummy started getting awkward and irritable and my head began its usual trick of punishing me.

I offered my husband a beach day tomorrow and decided to stick to what I had in mind.

I did not tell him that I was meeting a friend who might also want to get a bit James Herriot with me some time (think vet with constipated cow). I feel really yucky not telling him, but then he gets really stressed when I say anything – he does this thing where he hits his breastbone with his first and says “that it gets him right here”. He might also have a proper meltdown, which would be dangerous because his often involve self-harm and overdoses.

Maybe I’m just a cruel bastard.

However, guilt not withstanding, I went to meet this new fellow, whom I shall call Patricius from now on!

We met in a little cafe in the local antique/tatt barn, about fifteen minutes from my house, ten from his.

After a brief wander around by myself, I waited outside for him. I expected to be nervous, but via our online chats he had already put me at ease. Besides, this was a “getting to know you” meet up and play wasn’t something either of us had prepped for our expected.

I’d only seen a couple of pictures of him, but I had an idea of what to expect. He was short, neat white hair on his head and a neat goatie, and was wearing shorts, short sleeve shirt, and a green baseball cap. We hugged as we met, then went into the cafe.

He asked what I’d like and whether I’d like some cake. I wasn’t going to sit and watch him eat cake, so I had a slice of chocolate cake. This reinforced that this was two friends meeting up for tea and cake rather than a prelude to play.

What an amazing character! Once a total bottom, now a genuine flip to a Dom top. But certainly not a sadistic Dom: he might enjoy control in the bedplayroom, but he came across as gentle and wise. I noted that his eyes seemed almost violet behind his glasses.

We talked a little about our histories – ancient and modern. There were many differences, but also some startling similarities.

We shared stories of our pasts as bikers. Of note was the time he first wore leather and how right that felt; I likened it to the power I felt when wearing a kilt. I am not certain that power is the right word, but that feeling of putting one’s skin on and feeling right.

He told me off his two big relationships, both of which had lasted quite some time (decades). I told him about mine. He has some very good insights about responsibility as adults for ourselves and where that ends regarding others in our lives. I felt seen, heard, and affirmed by him.

We talked (of course) about kink and our discovery of our kink selves – the inevitably of having to realise that side of ourselves and the difficulties in sharing that with another who just doesn’t get it, no matter how much we love them.

It confirmed to be the idea I have that there is a cruel burden in trying to satisfy all of our needs in just one person. Indeed, we had both been in relationships that were all-consuming and took all of energy and within which we lost ourselves.

One big difference: he has been in a relationship that really enabled him to find himself. Sadly, that one has also ended, but for “other reasons”.

Within the world of kink, trust is paramount – without it, okay is neither safe nor fun. There is a need to take it very steady and not try to do it all at once – building trust takes time. And it takes time for one’s body and mind to relax and surrender to another person.

He said that what he got from Domming was reading the pleasure that the other person feels (whether that’s pleasure-pleasure or pain-pleasure).

I like Patricius. He’s not my “type”, but he is kind and genuine and seems like a great guy to play with.

We talked of what happens next, which caused embarrassing things to happen under my kilt!

I cannot wait to start our journey together!