My friend Tacitus once said, “I don’t understand the taxonomy of friendship.” At the time, I assumed he meant that making friends was difficult for him, but later, I realised he was coming from a very different perspective. Tacitus is polyamorous, and for him, friendship is just a shade in the full spectrum of relationships.

That idea really stuck with me, because it challenged how I had always thought about relationships. It made me question my own way of relating to people. Over time, as I explored who I am, I realised that I might be capable of polyamory – not because I actively seek multiple relationships, but because I don’t experience jealousy the way many monogamous people seem to. That might be why I sometimes feel deeply close to someone and have the sense that I love them, without it diminishing my love for my husband.

I used to see friendship and romantic love as two separate categories, but the more I thought about it, the more I saw overlaps and grey areas. That might not be unusual, but I suspect my neurodivergence shapes how I experience relationships of any kind. I don’t intuitively grasp unspoken social rules about relationships. I struggle with boundaries, which can feel arbitrary or unclear, and that sometimes leaves me unsure of where I stand with people. Sometimes, I have a tendency to take things literally, so if something isn’t explicitly defined, I might misinterpret what’s expected – or not expected – of me.

My emotional landscape is also different from my husband’s. He experiences what appears to be normal jealousy, while I don’t seem to. He moves through emotions quickly, whereas I process things more slowly. When we discuss our relationship, I often need extra time to untangle my feelings and attempt to untangle his, which means I sometimes arrive at realisations long after the conversation has ended. Understanding how my brain works has helped me make sense of my emotions and relationships. At the same time, it’s made me aware of the challenges I might face if I ever actively explored polyamory.

In the end, I don’t know exactly where I fit within the spectrum of relationships. I do know that I experience deep connections with people in ways that don’t always fit into neat categories. Perhaps, like Tacitus, I don’t fully understand the taxonomy of friendship either – but maybe that’s okay.

Maybe the taxonomy of friendship doesn’t need to be fully understood – maybe it just needs to be experienced, though in my case, that’s easier said than done.