I feel really quite knackered this week. The husband has been in a mood and I do not know why.

He wouldn’t talk last night and I really do not want to talk to him tonight. For one thing I am too tired. For another, it is counselling tonight, and I am often emotionally drained afterwards.

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Counselling

I went over the conversation I’d had with my husband earlier in the week.

Husband’s worries about the future

When I told Richard that my husband had been worried about what will happen when my dad dies, he noted that hubby had been concerned about what will happen to him, not how I will feel when my dad dies.

I’d not noticed that and I don’t know how I feel about it.

Handling anger

The we talked about my reactions to my husband’s expressions of anger and hubby’s thoughts that I was reacting to him as though I was reacting to my father’s anger.

I believe that I struggle to tell the difference between anger, aggression, and assertiveness.

Richard also pointed out that I had very real experiences of verbal and physical violence from my husband in the past. I don’t like to think of them, nor to bring them up, but it is true: I have been the recipient of some horrible expressions of anger. I still have those traumas.

Duvet

I talked about the duvet. “So what?” Was Richard’s response; husband can go into his own room decorated how he likes (and lock the door).

I think Richard knows what the flat meant to me and how I felt about it.

I am finding that I am missing the peace and safety of the flat at the moment while my relationship is such hard work and so unrewarding. It hasn’t always been that way, which is why we both fight on. It’s important to remember that.

Couples counselling

We then talked about that part of the conversation that husband and I had around couple’s counselling. Firstly, Richard noted that my needs were being ignored: I’d wanted to give them a brief overview of where we are at before meeting them to help hit the ground running. Husband had insisted that wasn’t necessary.

Our history is complicated and has a lot of unique elements to it. I also feel that I need to be clear that I have not got much out of previous couples therapy and explain what I believe would help this time.

I hope by sharing my needs with the counsellor, that I will be better able to process what is said and respond and even state my own point out view, rather than getting into a state where I cannot contribute at all – where there is no point in me being there.

Richard and I are going to work on what I need to say to the counsellor to let them know my story and my needs. I’m going to start writing notes on it and we’ll talk about it next week.

The atmosphere

I told Richard that husband had been on a bad mood and the house had had an atmosphere all week. The husband has even stayed in bed all day yesterday – with the bedroom door locked.

I was all very understanding and calm about it. Richard then asked how the husband taking a day out like that because he needed the space really differs from my brain shutting me down to protect me. It seems to show me that I can be kind and understanding when he is emotionally overwhelmed and highlights an imbalance in his he is towards me.

If I can be understanding towards him, why can’t he be more understanding towards me?

In part, I think it’s because hubby already feels that he’s made too many compromises around my needs. However, I have told him that if I am given notice, then it’s my responsibility to get my brain into gear (if I can). It’s not a guarantee of a good talk, but it gives better odds.

Reflections

I also mentioned two historical incidents that I’d thought of that seemed to illustrate ASD traits quite well. I’m going to explore them more on the blog another time, but one was understanding my need for quiet in the morning (which could be ASD or just a typical preference), another example (which can only be ASD) was taking a request literally, and that caused a lot of difficulties. More on that another time.

Positive ending to session

At the end of the session, I just nattered for five minutes about my various projects and the friends I have made. It felt good to end of something positive.

But it also feels sad – next week is the last one and I know that I am going to really miss seeing Richard.