This post continues with my review of the kinds of things I considered before pressing on with surgery (continuing from Part 1 and Part 1a).

Identity

• How did the desire for castration fit into your image of yourself and your identity?
• Are you comfortable with the idea of being a eunuch?
• How would being castrated improve your non-sexual life?
• What aspects of your identity would being castrated satisfy?
• What aspects of your identity would being castrated damage?

I heard a lot of worrying things before my surgery. Not about the surgery itself, but from a couple of people who were not happy with what they had done to themselves: it turns out that castration wasn’t actually what they wanted and they were desperately unhappy.

I decided that if this was going to happen, I need to be pretty damned sure of myself.

I decided that it needed to be a core and valued part of my identity.

I have remained engaged with both the development of my identity and members of the genitally diverse community. Exploring who I am has proved to be the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I do not believe that it could have happened without the surgery.

The surgery allowed me to start being truly authentic and unafraid.

I can face who I am in ways I never dreamed possible.

I can finally accept that my brain just doesn’t work like a lot of other people’s – and love that fact!

I have discovered the role of testosterone on my moods and emotions – there is only one way to find this kind of thing out. An absence of testosterone does make one feel much calmer in some ways, it awakes deeper emotions, and yet the sexuality isn’t necessarily impacted. Once can still be a sexual being should one wish to.

No part of myself was harmed in the making of this new me.

What I do regret is the time it took me to get here – and the harm this process has caused to my husband.

Engaging with authority figures

• How do you feel about talking to a doctor to obtain hormones?
• Would you feel comfortable speaking to professionals and explaining your choice?
• Have you considered therapy to help identify what is going on?

I have always had a complicated relationship with authority. On the one hand I like knowing where I stand with things, so I tend to like being close to (or being) the authority. On the other hand, I like to be a rebel. You can only be one or other of those things.

This whole process has enabled me to be authentic in ways I have never been before (see the next bit), and has enabled me to fully grasp my rebelliousness and run with it!

I could have lied to the doctor and the other professionals, but from the outset I decided to always tell the truth. It meant that I had more of a fight than I might otherwise have had – but boy has it been fun! I can be string when I need to be!

that said, there have been times when I have been reduced to tears and near despair because having to defend one’s choices – one’s existence – can feel exhausting. Thank goodness the community has been understanding – talking to others like me has been a lifesaver.

I have had two batches of therapy. My first, which I started before surgery and I ended shortly after surgery, was good, but not brilliant. I wish he’d disclosed a little more about his kinky side to reassure me that he was genuinely sex-positive (he only told me of his interesting relationship arrangements in the last session). He also sat tightly cross-legged as though defending his testicles.

Richard (my current counsellor) has been brilliant and helped me come to define my identity and better understand my brain. He has been excited to come on this journey with me … however, I am planning to end with Richard at the end of the month so that hubby and I can focus on our relationship and maybe try couples counselling. The thought of ending therapy quite literally breaks my heart.

Next time

I hope you’re enjoying this review of the things I was thinking and feeling this time last year before my surgery … there’s more to come!