On the build up to my surgery last year, I was asked lots of questions by people trying to help me understand my motivations for surgery – trying to help me avoid what could have been a terrible mistake.

Periodically, I like to think about them again. Have any of my feelings changed? Were any of my thoughts wrong? What worked out as different in real life from the hope or expectation?

This is the first in a series of reflective blog entries leading up to the anniversary of my castration on the 5th February.

Sex and castration

• How do you feel about castration after you’ve cum?
• How much do you think about castration when you’re not aroused?
• What’s your favourite castration fantasy?
• Story writing! Write your “hot castration fantasy”, then write a story about how you imagine sex will be like after you are castrated.

One of the most confusing things about castration is how hugely arousing it was for me. I couldn’t explain it to anybody else outside of the community, yet within the eunuch and nullo community it was profoundly understood. There were those who found the whole thing extremely confusing – some might actually hate erections and be disgusted by them, yet they’d be driven to masturbate over the idea if never having an erection again. Others hated their testicles, but only the testicles and maybe had no problem with the sack. They didn’t want to lose sexual function, yet knew that a possible outcome of castration, even if hormones were provided, could be erectile dysfunction.

How can we square the paradox of sexual arousal over something that could forever end the ability to be sexually aroused?

More importantly, how do we separate kink and fetish from a genuine dysphoria about one’s body?

The first question in the list above was the first I was ever asked and set the basic litmus test of whether it was just a fetish or whether it might be something deeper. My feelings didn’t change after orgasm, which suggested that this was more than just a kink for me.

I found that I was thinking of castration an awful lot of the time, even when I wasn’t aroused. Wrestling with whether this was real or a fantasy. Was I mad? Would I be sectioned if anybody found out? Would I still be accepted and loved by my husband?

As part of the exercises set by friends, I wrote a few stories (I am not going to include them here – I’d get banned!); none of them included a professional surgeon … which led to another question which I’ll look at again later on.

If you are interested, I still “get off” on the thought of castration – these days it is the excitement of being in my right body, with its new configuration and exciting new sensations.

Body image

• How do you feel about your body? What would your ideal body look like?

When asked this question, I realise that I wanted something more androgenous that I had. However, it really was a pick and mix! I like my hairy legs, but I also like my relatively smooth upper body. I shave or wax my armpits. I have a short beard, which I like the feel of and it gives some shape to my face.

I love having the smooth undercarriage – the scrotal void, as I like to to call it. I use hair removal cream on it and shave it between times. I Keep my other pubic hair very short.

I’ll confess here that I look the nullo look. I don’t have the dysphoria that would demand that surgery, but … well … I could imagine it being me.

That is a new thing, since the surgery. However, if I place any value on my marriage, it is not somewhere I can go. I need to watch that dysphoria doesn’t develop and if it did work to address it without surgery. Now I know what dysphoria is like, I can at least recognise it before it crippled me again.

Next time

I’ll look at identity, engaging with authority figures, and authenticity…