Shouty day

I really don’t know what it was about. We were talking and it got more and more heated.

I know that there was something said about ASD and that I am upset (?) that my husband doubts me. I know that this is part of me, and every time I sense that he doesn’t completely accept it, or pushes back against it I feel invalidated and I feel angry.

My husband just got more and more angry and loud.

I did call him out on it, but (apparently) it’s ok to get shouty and loud when you’re angry. I suppose he is right: it is congruent.

The trouble is, when I’m faced with anger – especially anger accompanied by an increase in volume – my brain seems to go into defence mode … and that means that I will get reactive and possibly shouty myself, or (and this is more likely) I will shutdown.

That’s exactly what happened: all of a sudden I went quiet and stopped responding. It wasn’t a full on shutdown, but I’d stopped responding. CTRL-ALT-DEL wasn’t going to bring me back.

I know what happened, but the hubby doesn’t understand.

He said “why have you shutdown? I left time for you to respond.” (He did) “And I didn’t go on.” (He didn’t go on).

I feel nervy of explaining this to him because he already feels like he’s making a lot of adjustments and sacrifices for my neuro-divergence. Which he doesn’t really believe in anyway.

The other problem with being shouted at is that I won’t bloody remember anything!

<sigh>

Snuggly day

Today was much more chilled, although yesterday’s argument had left me feeling very low. I got out of bed at nine, rather than eight (which was an even later lie in that usual for a Sunday).

I did manage to do a 5k run, which helped restore my mood. Then I did some paint stripping. I get a little lost in it and didn’t notice the from was full of smoke and fumes until I finished.

After a spot of lunch, we went for a coffee.

On the way I nattered about our planned Spanish trip and how we could leave from a local airport. That would save money and time.

I don’t get know whether my husband is excited – or even if wants to come.

Coffee was relaxing and we didn’t talk too much, and certainly not about anything to controversial!

When we got home, I fixed his phone and tablets email … them noticed that he’d been upstairs for a while …

I’ll not write more about that, except that it was a long awaited moment of physical intimacy.

I think we both felt better for it.