Background

I grew up in a family where my mum and my nan were both religious. I went to Sunday school. I was even an “altar boy” (at that church we just called them “servers”) for a while.

My father was and remains a functioning alcoholic (in the opinion of the other members of the family). Whether there is a never-to-be-diagnosed case of ASD there, I must keep an open mind. He was certainly inconsistent in his mood and a clip round the ear was often threated, and sometimes followed through with – or even delivered without any kind of threat.

I spent much of my childhood in fear of my father. My mother would sometimes use this fear to her advantage: “wait until your father gets home” she would say. When I mentioned that she’d said those words to me many years later, she was horrified and apologised.

Marriage

When I married, my husband was in recovery from alcohol use. he was perfect because, as long as he stayed in recovery, I would never been in an alcoholic marriage.

Of course, I brought my mother’s attitudes towards alcoholism with me into the relationship, and when the inevitable relapse occurred, I went into the mental space long prepared for me. I spent time on every corner of the drama triangle – victim, persecutor, and rescuer.

I didn’t realise how my own illness, brought form my family of origin.

My own recovery

During one of my husband’s worst periods, after her already been in a psychiatric ward for nearly three months followed by six weeks in The Priory, I discovered a twelve step group for the friends and family if alcoholics.

For many years I received a lot of love and support from those groups. My home group was privileged to have subdued lighting and I felt more peaceful than at any time previously.

I started to look at myself and began to see some of the ways I’d brought unhealthy ways of thinking into my relationship with my husband.

I slowly worked through the steps, sharing some things I’d never felt safe to share before.

Sadly, I never discussed my body issues even in that group. Whilst there is a rule that you stick to issues related to alcoholism, I could not admit these things to myself … as Step 5 says “we admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being”. If God knew, I certainly didn’t want to know.

Structure

Twelve step groups are self-organised, but abide by a known set of rules known as “The Traditions”. They describe it as “obedience to the unenforceable”, meaning that there is no police or enforcement – we follow the traditions because they work.

I came to love that kind of organisation and took it into my professional life, where I sometimes run teams.

Anonymity

I’m writing this blog and you can see my first name, you can work out where I live, you can work out a lot about me. You might be able to find my real surname.

I am far from anonymous in this internet world.

However I understand the need for anonymity in others in this world of the genitally diverse. Most of us have a fear that are friends and family will not understand how we want to modify our bodies. There is a lot of fear at the moment due to the continued persecution of the trans community.

I compromise my unanimity to help our community.

I’m not any kind of hero, I just don’t care very much who knows!

Transferable skills

While I was in Al Anon I learnt mindfulness, which brought me closer to nature – which was a Hgher Power that I could relate to.

They also have sayings, which they call “slogans”. Things like “keep it simple”, “live and let live”, and “let it begin with me”.

I learnt to detach a little from the behaviours in others that I find hurt me. I started to take ownership of my own failings.

I still have so far to go!

Speaking

Am important principle of most Al Anon groups is the “round robin” way of speaking. Usually, somebody will volunteer to start, or the person to the left of the chair will start. After the first person starts, the person to their right then speaks. Everybody knows they have only a couple of minutes to share their thoughts and feelings.

So I always I knew when it was my turn to speak.

Everybody was heard without judgement or interruption. For must of us, this was the first time in our lives where we could talk uninterrupted.

We also learnt to listen without interrupting.

Leaving Al Anon

I went to Al Anon for about a year after we moved to Southampton in 2018. It wasn’t the same.

I wasn’t the same.

Then my mum got ill.

Then she died.

After that, the magic had died. I didn’t want to go back to the groups. The local groups didn’t feel like I belonged.

Always a part of me

I might not go to meetings any more, but I try to live by the Steps and Traditions. I remember the slogans and apply them to my life as appropriate.

Some things I realise are traps: “one day at a time” can enable living with situations for ever that ought to be intolerable.

My life is better for that fellowship.