Last night I suggested that we go out for a meal. I’d planned to go whether or not the husband came, but it’s rather go with him – I was prepared to talk about “difficult things”, but I also wanted to talk about the mental health nurse who I saw yesterday.

I mentioned a few things that we’d talked about on the drive to the restaurant.

He was in a bad mood even as we left the house and the atmosphere in the car didn’t feel comfortable.

I parked up and we walked down to the restaurant. An Indian/Nepali place we’d been to before.

After ordering food, it began.

It was a barrage of criticism and complaining.

We are very much stuck on the drama triangle. It is quite beyond me how we get off it.

He said at several times that I’d “got what I wanted” with having him silenced because he felt like he couldn’t say anything to me. Usually when people are silenced they stop talking.

The themes were very much the same as previously:

• Our marriage was a lie.
• I’ve lied to him about who I was.
• Was any of it real?
• He only went along with opening the relationship for fear of losing me.
• That I’d manipulated him into giving me the kind of sex that I wanted.
• That I was secretive.
• It was all about me.
• That I never loved him or cared for him.

I didn’t quite shut down, but I did feel overwhelmed with hopelessness.

He also said that he hated Nepal because after the first visit he lost his kids (they rejected him and refused any further contact), and after the second visit he lost me.

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Today, I couldn’t get up and lay in bed much longer than was good for me – afraid to start the day.

I did some shopping, then had some lunch, and then started stripping some more wallpaper.

The husband started filling in the great gouges left in the wall by the insurance company’s guy who came after the flood. Hubby complained that he didn’t understand why the gouges had to be so big. It was too help dry the wall out.

It was nice having the husband down doing work on the house at the same time as me.

Even so, I am feeling very despondent at the moment.

I feel like hiding away and crying.

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It’s now the evening.

We watched a film; he asked to hold my hand while we’re watched, so I did.

Then I went out to get some tea.

Our usual place has closed, so I walked the streets looking somewhere else that will serve the food that my husband fancies tonight.

We are also suffering from a bit of a storm. Storm Burt is blustering around. My umbrella from Nepal is holding out.

I’m feeling sad, but not as sad as I was earlier.