I’ve been reflecting on the options that my husband I have:

1. Separate
   • Sell the house: this means that I do it up quickly and cheaply and arrange to sell it as quickly as possible. We split the proceeds.
   • I retain the house: I have to re-mortgage the house and give my husband his half. Therefore I can do it up the way I like and I can take my time over it … like I can have the wooden floors restored. A friend of my husband has told him that we must sell the house if we separate; I don’t see why – surely we can make whatever arrangement we like as long as we both agree?
2. Stay together, but at least one of us moves out
   • Live apart and sell the house: as above, the house gets done up as quickly and as cheaply as possible, then we buy two separate properties – one each. At least one of them must have open space for the dog. This has the advantage of us being able to express ourselves as we like in our own space – and we would each have our own “safe spaces”.
   • Live apart and I keep the house: in this scenario I again buy my husband out via a re-mortgage, he would then find another place to live, while I do the house up the way I liked … we would both have our own spaces in which we could express ourselves in our own unique ways, and we would have “safe spaces”. I wonder whether the house would somehow retain an element of “ours”?
3. Stay together and stay in the house
   • Live together and sell the house: we would need to do the house up as cheaply and quickly as possible. However, my husband has said that the house feels full of trauma. I am concerned that we would just be moving and taking our problems with us.
   • Keep the house and do it up jointly: as above really.

In all the instances where we stay together we have to work out how we can live together and not repeat the problems of the past.

One idea is to have “couples nights” where we plan to be together, either talking, or eating, or some activity. The other nights we act as though the other isn’t around, so we do whatever we like on those nights. We might come unstuck because I like to know what those nights are whereas I expect that my husband will be less keen because he finds routine controlling.

We could again consider whether couples counselling would be appropriate – or have we gone to far for that to be worth doing?

I really feel that my husband needs to understand where I am coming from and how I feel that accepting that I have some level of autism could actually help us: if I have it, or the same techniques that manage some of it symptoms work for me, then there is a way to live together by working around and with it rather than fighting it – because I always lose.

Regarding my husband buying a flat – he doesn’t have an independent income. There may be options for shared ownership that can be explored.

I am also considering whether I want to stay in Southampton – if we separate or have a scenario where sell the house, then I would like to consider moving somewhere else along the south coast. Maybe Brighton or Bournemouth.