Health update

Hormones

Here’s the letter from the endocrinologist:

Hypogonadism – to start testosterone replacement
Blood results 14/8/24:

Hb 142, PCV 0.4, PSA 0.1, ALT 37, ALP 72, Bil 9, Alb 42.

Thank you for having your blood tests taken on the 14th August. I am writing to let you know that these were satisfactory in terms of checking your baseline blood results prior to initiation of testosterone replacement. Specifically your full blood count, haemoglobin, liver function tests and PSA results were all normal and reassuring.

Unsurprisingly, the baseline testosterone was again extremely low at 1.1nmol/L.

As you know, the plan will be to repeat your blood tests again as part of the necessary monitoring once you are initiated on Testavan replacement.

Isn’t it strange the sense of satisfaction I feel that my testosterone is so low? According to SuperDrug the normal range for an adult male is 7.6 – 31.4 nmol/L, the NHS use the range 10.0 – 27.6 7.6 – 31.4 nmol/L. The only test result I have pre-castration was a paid for test using the SuperDrug service; that gave me 18.3 nmol/L, which is in the middle of the two expected ranges.

General fitness

I am one day less than a week into my Testovan treatment. So far, all my exercise seems to have been on the day I take the hormone … but before I apply the gel (because I am going to get all hot and sweaty, and it makes more sense to apply the gel after a shower). My max distance appears to be only 2.5k – in January I was running about 15k.

I need to try running later in the day on the day that I take testosterone.

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Time at the beach

Eunuchorn

My husband gave me a box and told me to open it. I shook it, as I always shake and sniff gifts I am given. “Don’t shake it!” he said urgently.

I carefully opened the box. Inside was a beautiful unicorn.

He has seen the cuddly toys, and this is a gesture of acceptance and love.

Birthday suit

I’d found out that there was a nudest beach on Portsea Island (the island where the city of Portsmouth is) some time ago and decided that I fancied going.

I asked my husband if he’d like to come, and he agreed.

I picked him up just before 11am.

I had a bit of a headache, which wasn’t a great sign, but I took some anti-migraine pills and hoped for the best.

We were both nervous in case I was mistaken, or it was too quiet, or too busy. I needn’t have worried. There were plenty of people enjoying the sunshine on places that might lack a bit of colour.

After eating some sandwiches (I cannot eat and see my tummy at the same time), I stripped off and lay there with the sun warming my cock. It did feel strange – very pleasant – but quite unfamiliar to have sunshine on my scrotal void.

It wasn’t long before I was in the sea. It was cool, but without testicles complaining of the chill, I was able to go right up to my middle straight away. Then I dived under the waves and enjoyed the freedom of the seas as my natural buoyancy let me relax.

He went in the sea after I came out and enjoyed himself.

The beach had individuals, couples, and families dotted about. It was wonderful seeing parents teaching their children not to be ashamed of their bodies. Although it was the parents who were naked, not the children.

All the individuals were men. Some of them would take it upon themselves to stroll around, such was their comfort level in being naked.

Character assassination

We were lying there quietly; I was anxious, but enjoying the sound of the sea, although a couple of women were talking noisily several meters away.

My husband began to talk.

I wish I was in a better frame of mind, because when I’m anxious I cannot hear or follow conversation very well.

What I got from it is that he thinks that I am selfish and lazy.

I’m selfish because this freedom that he and I are enjoying now is because I want it and nothing to do with what he wants.

I think I’m lazy because I don’t do anything that I don’t want to do.

He talked for some time, but I didn’t take away much more than that.

We were at the beach for a few hours before I suggested that we go and get a coffee.

Making shit up

He’s given me a deadline of Sunday – the anniversary of when we met – to decide whether I want to be with him or not. I still don’t have an answer, despite thinking and writing about it for a couple of months now.

An important issue that I need to understand is how does my husband feel about what I shared with him regarding my ASD referral. Last weekend I shared what I’d sent to the doctor to support my referral.

Suffice to say that he thinks I’m making it up. That I’ve read the book on autism and decided that it all applies to me.

He didn’t even read it properly. He said that he didn’t think that I’d ever had an issue with textures and tastes because I could eat anything put in front of me. There was nothing in the document I sent him about either texture or taste.

He believes that any symptoms that I do have are all learnt behaviours. Some of them might be completely learnt, some might have been augmented by learning, some have become unhidable thanks to ongoing stress and anxiety.

I feel hurt and angry.

We drove home from Portsmouth almost in silence. Towards Southampton he started talking about needing time apart. I couldn’t focus much, I needed all my attention to drive and fight the meltdown that was threatening me. Usually, driving is actually a good time to talk because it’s less confrontational (we sit side by side) and the need to focus on the road helps regulate my emotions.

Today I needed to get back to the flat as quickly as I could.

After dropping my husband off, I found myself contemplating dumping the car because I wanted to scream and the traffic was awful.

I did get back to the flat.

Hiding

On entering the flat, I kicked my shoes off, dumped my bag on the table, shit the blinds and drew the curtains, and went into the bedroom. I pulled the blanket over my head and allowed the shutdown to come. I was there for ninety minutes.