I am discussing identity with a friend. What does it mean for me to be non-binary? Why did I have to have my testicles removed? Couldn’t I have learned to live with my body as it was? Is it right to appropriate the historical term “eunuch”? How does my non-binary body differ from a trans body? How do we participate in the battle for trans rights? How do those undergoing non-voluntary castrations differ from voluntary castration?

There is an urgency to these questions as our community comes under increasing scrutiny thanks to public cases such as the “eunuch maker”, the push against trans rights, and the continual battle over self-determination. Society (whatever that is) is so concerned with trans matters that they will even block castration as a solution for medical issues for which there is no other cure.

What does it mean for me to be non-binary?

I have always been afraid that I wasn’t masculine enough and that I lacked something of being a man. I know that I’m gay, whatever that means in the world of non-binary, but that made me feel even more dysphoric about my gender: being gay made me feel like even more inadequate as a man.

It would be accurate so say that I had both internalised homophobia and internalised transphobia.

I know that one can be feminine and yet still be a man. Femme gay men are still men. I’ve even known “strays” (camp-acting straight men).

The only way to balance the equation is to examine the the models of masculinity – and femininity – that I see around me: there are elements of each that I find in myself. I feel I’m a blend of the two or maybe gender-neutral – not having a gender at all.

When I look at attributes that I associate with being “male”, firstly I struggle because “females” can also demonstrate these attributes in their expression of self, and vice versa. So what if somebody has both male and female characteristics, ways of expressing gender, and thought patterns?

Mentally and emotionally I feel that I’m either neither male nor female, or else both.

What specific aspects of “masculinity” do I struggle with?

• I don’t like being the breadwinner; I would more happily be the dependent.
• I enjoy feeling more vulnerable.
• I’m definitely not interested in traditional masculine sports such as football or rugby.
• I’m not very competitive, preferring the social aspects of games over winning. I would rather lose a game and keep playing, than win to a sore loser and that be the end of it.
• I have always struggled with assertiveness.
• My genital configuration as severely uncomfortable for me (see below).
• I’m not comfortable being “the protector” or the one who starts things (like sex).
• Regarding sex, I prefer to be a submissive role.
• I prefer boyish or slightly androgynous clothing.
• Do not like being the dominant member of a team or group, however I will fill the void if it’s there, with a “mothering” style of leadership.
• I’m excitable and prone to outbursts of emotion and gabbling verbily.
• “A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets” – that has definitely been me! (although not any more)
• I like my hairy legs, but I also like my (mostly) hairless torso. Where I do grow hair on my upper body, I clip, shave, or wax it away.
• I like pink and fluffy cushions!

I am aware that some of the attributions above might themselves be regarded as sexist, however I think that they are only sexist if one regards a particular gender or gender role as superior or inferior to another one … perhaps the very existence of gender roles is sexist?

Many of the items in the list above can be considered, or are possibly incontrovertibly, the result of me selecting gender-messaging signals that respond or react to the social construct of gender as created in the United Kingdom.

Why did I have to have my testicles removed?

I am bald. I hate being bald. I wish I wasn’t bald. However, I don’t feel that having (or not having) hair is wrong for my body or my identity. I might feel better about myself with hair, but I am not being driven crazy by its absence and feel a need to attempt hair-transplant surgery myself.

However, somebody who identifies strongly as female may find male pattern hair loss traumatic and very dysphoric.

A slightly facetious way of describing why I needed surgery:

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn’t look like an elephant.

 George Bernard Shaw

My testicles were part of the sculpture that’s me that didn’t fit.

In truth, the reason is simple: my testicles felt as though they should never have been there. They distressed me enormously. They felt wrong – alien, or like growths – they “creeped me out”. They also produced more testosterone than I felt comfortable with; removing them places me in control of how much of that hormone is in my body – and gives me options to try other hormones that might feel less dysphoric, such as progesterone (the attraction of which is that it’s a “female” hormone that is less likely to generate secondary female sex characteristics, however for some people it can cause PMT like symptoms).

In aligning my physical body with my gender identity, I feel a peace in myself that I have never felt before.

Also, many aspects of my mental health have improved, and I feel as though I can be authentic in all my interactions, even when those relationships are difficult.

“I just never identified with it or felt satisfaction from it,” she said. “But it doesn’t make people any less trans, if they do like it or they don’t. It’s just really about how you identify on the gender spectrum and about letting people do what they want.”

Chrissie Bates – https://www.wgbh.org/news/local/2024-06-17/first-transgender-woman-in-mass-receives-vaginoplasty-outside-boston-a-milestone-for-gender-affirming-care

I enjoy my body in a way that I have never enjoyed it before.

I enjoy being naked and like to sit around at home without a stitch on (despite being tubbier than previously) – unthinkable before!

Couldn’t I have learned to live with my body as it was?

After fifty years of living with testicles, indeed living as a male, surely I could have lived the remainder of my life as a man?

I tried. I really tried. I suppressed and ignored that which was calling to me for so long that it’s clamour became so loud that I could not ignore it. I went from occasionally and enjoyably banding my testicles and imagining what it would be like to lose them, to a fervent need that demanded to be realised.

I had always wanted my testicles removed; they never felt right, but the feelings against them became irresistible.

I’m a way, it’s like that maintenance job that’s needed doing that you’ve ignored for so long, the one which if you’d just done it would have been much quicker, easier, and cheaper to do; but because you put it off and put it off it’s now a major piece of work that’s difficult and costly.

Is it right to appropriate the historical term “eunuch”?

Some people like to use the terms “gelding” or “steer” to describe themselves. “Gelding” is a word that I like as it conjures up ideas of a spirited pony castrated to tame it enough to bear a princess. “Steer” suggests a strong beast, again castrated to make it more docile. “Steer” is often used in BDSM roleplay where castration forms part of the master/slave dynamic, which gives it an extra allure (wouldn’t it be hot to be described as somebody’s “steer”?).

When I first came out as non-binary, I really didn’t like the term “eunuch” because if it’s historical connotations of sly and effeminate people. Much of the western history of eunuchs doesn’t say a lot positive about them (I’m thinking of Potinus the eunuch advisor to Cleopatra’s brother Ptolemy, or the various eunuch civil servants of the Byzantine emperors, amongst others). It wasn’t until I was actually castrated that I was reminded of the cult of Cyble or the Byzantine general Narses.

By and large in European history eunuchs have been despised.

And without exception all historical eunuchs prior to the current age have not had hormone supplementation.

Do I take something from these historical people by using the term “eunuch”? Is the term being applied improperly of myself?

I don’t care: I do not believe that anybody now living is affected in the nth generation by the term.

Why do I want to use the term “eunuch” of myself?

The term eunuch is often used as a disparaging term in modern times of people who are powerless or impotent.

I want to grab that term and hold it and make it my own. In doing that I learned from all those people who have gone before me who have appropriated for their own use the terms gay and queer so many other words that used to be terms of abuse.

I will never allow what I am to be used against me.

How does my non-binary body differ from a trans body?

It doesn’t. Not really!

Some trans people need a full surgical transition, some can live without overly uncomfortable dysphoria and without any kind of surgical intervention.

I have friends who identify as female and yet have had exactly the same surgery as me and do not want anything else doing. Other friends strongly identity as masculine and also have had the same surgery. I am aware of the existence of others who have had more surgical intervention than me, and yet feel a similar level of gender-neutrality as me – or even feel more masculine. Gender identity and gender expression are separate and sometimes unrelated attributes of a person’s identity.

Indeed, altering one’s genital configuration needn’t even be an expression of gender – it can simply be a realisation of how one feels about oneself in relation to others. More on that later.

How do we participate in the battle for trans rights?

This tells me something quite significant about the medical profession’s views on gender: in order to obtain and benefit from their services one must conform to their narrow views on body and gender. For many that has meant pretending to be male-to-female transsexual to obtain the required surgery, including being made to take strongly dysphoric female hormones and even dress in a “female” way, and then performing some kind of “detransition”. This is very harmful to them, and could be adding ammunition to those who advocate for heavy-handed barriers against transition “just in case” it’s not right for somebody. By not accepting a third gender, the health professionals actually cause both transexual and non-binary types a great deal of distress.

A disappointing aspect of identifying myself as one of several species of “trans” folks is there is often an unwillingness for trans-people to identify me as one of their own. Several times I have entered a trans space seeking support or advice only  to be told that “this is a trans space and is not for eunuchs”. Only once have I entered a trans space and been accepted by them (this was the Mayflower Society Southampton meetup).

There is knowledge and experience in the trans community that can directly help me overcome some of the obstacles that I encounter – trans men will gain experience of acquiring and living with testosterone that is directly relevant to my current situation.

I know a number of trans people in eunuch spaces, and I believe that they are welcomed and treated as equal and indistiguishable from other members of the community – even if they are “passing through” on their way to a full transition.

I have received support and love from a number trans women in these eunuch communities, which I have valued greatly: they are amongst the most compassionate people I have encountered.

Whether the trans community embrace me as one of their number or not, I recognise that their rights are my rights. Trans rights are human rights.

How do those undergoing non-voluntary castrations differ from voluntary castration?

It can be easy to think of the castrated as a homogeneous group. My primary experience is with the voluntarily emasculated due to some kind of dysphoria, as that’s my own avenue into eunuchdom.

Even with in the voluntary group there are many motivations; often there are multiple motivations even within individuals. There is often a sidecar of kink, where the process of becoming a eunuch is eroticised. This might be a way of coming to terms with dysphoria in a way that enables sufferers to imagine not being responsible for the transition.

There are other kinds of voluntary eunuchs with whom I perhaps have less in common. Religious eunuchs I know nothing of. I know a number of eunuchs who were castrated to help manage excessive libido.

Castration appears to be something that mostly (but not exclusively) appeals to more submissive individuals. However, seeking it out requires an agency which a submissive individual might find uncomfortable in varying degrees. I know that I did. I would have been happier if somebody had at least validated my decision, possibly happier if the decision has been made for me.

I have encountered a few non-voluntary medically indicated castrated. Those that have wandered into the online communities that I’m a member of also seem to have that same sidecar of kink. An interesting commonality.

Of course, kink mightn’t be a sidecar – it might be the primary reason for expressing identity through castration. There is nothing wrong with that!

What is just as interesting is there is often a querying of gender identity in non-voluntary castrations, or at least a querying of gender-norms.

Does it matter whether gender-identity or kink or illness it’s the “prime motivation” for castration?

Not in the slightest. How another builds and expresses their identity is their business, and of interest to me only in our shared humanity, shared eunuchood, and shared community.

No matter how we arrive in our state, we are all brother and sister and sibling eunuchs together.

So, what’s my world view of castration and non-binary genders?

I needed what I needed to make me the best and happiest version of myself. I believe that healthy happy people contribute the most to the society they are members of – and are better able to spread that sunshine to others.

But why is why of this of interest to anybody other my sexual partners? What concern is it of anybody else what is in my pants?

None.

Fuck off and let me live my life the best way I can.