The dog watched a movie, while I dicked about on the internet and chatted with friends. That said, I enjoyed the movie and the questions that it discussed about AI. I can “watch” a film, understand what’s going on, without giving it my full attention. Multitasking of things kind didn’t really fit well with ASD, however it might simply be that I spot the patterns and that’s sufficient – after all, there are apparently only so many stories in the world! See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Seven_Basic_Plots

I slept at the house. Whilst it doesn’t feel like home, the blackout curtains really help. I’ve ordered some temporary ones for the flat.

I woke with a bit of a migraine (funny how sometimes it’s only when writing it down that I realise that I have a headache … off to grab a sumotriptan now … ok, I’ll just finish this, then I’ll go for a lie down in the dark to try to shift it).

I called the hospital. He’s still sedated, he’s still on a lot of oxygen, so they don’t plan to stop that yet. I’ll go in after lunch.

I started to assess the damage to my husband’s room. Cigarette ends are everywhere, five empty bottles of brandy (that’s what he’s drunk in seven days), broken furniture, fortunately none of the glass things are broken – and the TV had been taken out of the room; I remember a paramedic taking the cables out.

I have everything a sweep and mopped up the water; he’s had a vase of hydrangeas which he’d upset, so I’ve put the dead flowers out for the compost. I may do a bit more tidying tomorrow after work.

My plan is to have a lie down now, then back to the house to see to the dog, then over to the hospital, then back to the house to feed and walk the dog. I’m going to stop over there again tonight – it’s just easier with the dog – but come back to the flat to work during the day. I’ll nip over lunchtime and after work for her, then I’ll go to the hospital for a couple of hours.

Tuesday is already stressing me out: it’s a social day in the office when we go to the local restaurant for lunch (which I look forward to as I know most of the people who come in very well). Then I have counselling in the evening, followed by the trans group. All this is going to be very difficult if I have to go back to the house to look after the dog. Yet each of these things are very important to me.

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My plan worked, and when I went to see my husband in the hospital I was very much awake to cope with the sounds and lights and not be reduced to a quivering wreck.

When I arrived, the nurse explained the situation, that he was extubated and they’d attempted to bring him round, but he was too agitated, so they added a little more sedation.

He has a chest infection (pneumonia) and a fever, so they are keeping a close eye on him.

He came round, but was very upset and crying and started saying “thank you” repetitively, then “he hurt me”, which I thought was me to start with, but later it seemed to be that it was his father (abuser). The “thank yous” were for believing him.

There were a lot of “I love yous” from him and me, which was lovely. I don’t expect he’ll keep those up!

I stayed for three hours, when he asked me to leave. I’m having some tea now, then will walk the dog, then I’m back there for an hour!

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After a bit of quiet time at the flat and walking the dog, it was back to the hospital. I parked somewhere I thought was closer to intensive care and became horrendously lost in the labyrinthine tunnels that make up Southampton general. It took longer to him than it took to get to the hospital.

He was awake and much more lucid, although still more than a little confused. I tried to keep the conversation simple and avoid anything controversial, and succeeded. He was less lovey than previously, but I put the side of the bed down and gave him a cuddle. Listening to his heart.

I stayed nearly forty-five minutes past throwing out time.

I’m feeling calm but exhausted.

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Update: I’m feeling calmer – I still feel like I could scream and go on a demolition rampage!