System test

I had a good system test last night. I’m used to the no goo thing now, and it does have its advantages; it felt particularly good, as though my body is getting used to interpreting the sensations.

It was, however, a rough night: I did not sleep well – probably due to having a sugary drink before bed and being too hot. Weather has been very nice lately, so that’s the reason rather than the menopause. The cycle to work wakes me up, although I forgot to take my morning pills today (B vitamins and ashwagandha). That’s the third day this week I’ve forgotten them, which could explain why I’m hanging at the end of the work day and the daily cycle is getting harder this week.

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Stifled speech (thank god!)

Since my big coming out in October, when I think I also had a big meltdown, I’ve struggled/enjoyed having a very much reduced set of verbal and mental filters. This has created some interesting and challenging conversations (and I feel has also been a big reason in why I was asked to move out of the family home). Today I was glad that I was able to hold something back when a colleague at work spoke to me.

This colleague wandered over to my desk to share some special news: she’s pregnant. I very nearly answered “Congratulations! At least you’ve been getting some, I’ve not been laid for months now.”

I don’t think that would have been an acceptable response.

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Neuro-divergent?

Both my husband and a good friend have both said that they think I may be neuro-divergent. Actually, my husband has said that he thinks that I’m on the Asperger’s/Autism spectrum, and this friend described me as a “mathmo”, which I’d not heard before, but he lumped me in with the eccentric, intelligent, and somewhat emotionally-inept people that went to Cambridge Uni’s maths department; when asked to explain he said that he thought that I might be neuro-divergent.

Given that my oldest nephew is autistic, my brother thinks that he may also be, and we both think that my dad has something of the -ism about him, it mightn’t be so surprising if I was as well. If that were true, it would explain so much about my life. Frustrating shutdowns when emotionally stressed during conversations with my husband, more recently full on meltdowns that have sometimes included overdoses as intense emotions overwhelmed me. A tendency to say inappropriate things. An inability to read my husband’s emotions and often missing or misreading emotional cues. An inability to read or manage my own emotions. Toddler tantrums (when I was a toddler, I don’t do them now). Childhood preference for isolation (although I did have friends). Happiness in my own company. An intolerance for loud background noise. Easily distracted sometimes. Ability to focus on things that interest me to the exclusion of all else. Hating phone conversations. Finding boundaries challenging. Even my migraines might be part of the symptoms.

Talking with autistic friends (I seem to largely get on with autistic people), they suggest that self-diagnosis might be a start, but I am strongly urged to seek professional help. I can’t argue against that recommendation – I just hate phoning people – and the morning bun-fight as you try to get a doctor’s appointment is stressful.

I would have liked to have talked this over with my counsellor tonight – but he has COVID and has cancelled! I really hope he doesn’t get it too bad, but it just shows that its still out there.

I’ll start thinking and writing more about this subject – it could be an important realisation, or it might be a false epiphany – back to needing professional input.

I will own that having questioned myself about this and finding the potential for answers, I am almost afraid to ask and be told that I am “normal”. Fancy that! Feeling afraid of being “normal”!