I went into the office yesterday. I rarely work overtime, I tend to avoid working at weekends: that’s my husband’s time, but I needed to get some done. I could have worked at home, but I felt that is just to angsty at home right now.

I was the only one in the office, so I put my music on louder. Classical YouTube videos, mixed with the odd tech talk from a fellow called Nick Chapsas (he’s a very energetic, well-informed, and cute guy with a Latin sound to how he talks), and a couple of Abigail Thorne shorts.

I got through the code comments and unit tests in a couple of hours.

I also made progress on the flat rental. I paid a “holding fee” to have it taken off the market, and signed a few documents, then I went to the Estate Agents to hand them in and move onto the next step. I was feeling very sad about it. Sometimes I feel a little excited; today not so.

We met up in a local coffee shop, where we talked; we are both sad that it has come to this. The problem isn’t that I don’t want my husband or I don’t love him, but that I do not know myself well enough to commit to him and our relationship. I hope with some time apart a little bit of therapy a little bit talking, that I’ll sort my shit out! This is really not very far on my husband, and maybe there is no way through it – but I don’t want to give up just yet. He says that he’s too afraid to hope for anything.

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It took me a long time to get out of bed this morning; of a Sunday I am still usually up for seven am, this morning it was nearly ten before I climbed out of bed. My husband was in the garden smoking.

There is an awkwardness between us – I feel uncomfortable around him and I am sure the feeling is mutual.

What I wonder is whether, if I were able to make the commitment he needs, he would ever forgive me for … well, everything. I don’t think he could.

I feel utterly shit today.