I found that I wasn’t looking forward to going home – or perhaps was apprehensive of how things would be. It wasn’t helped by me having an energy crash as I cycled home; I was shaking when I entered the house.

The dog trotted up to say hello, but she wasn’t particularly enthusiastic. My husband wasn’t particularly ebullient either. Things felt awkward.

He had bought me a beautiful pop-up card with sunflowers. I had a card for him but I had been home to write it since been on a hotel and I had been home, but I had thought what hadn’t written it before I got home, so it didn’t take long to do. I also had a necklace for him, which had an inscription on the back from a reading at our wedding. That felt a little awkward, too.

We did talk. He talked mostly. He felt anxious about me being home. His anxiety has built since the day before. I don’t like that he’s anxious – that’s horrible to live with – horrible that he doesn’t feel relaxed with me about.

He went over everything again. If he’d been thinking whilst I was away, I think it must have been over the same old. Not that he isn’t within his rights to feel hurt ot angry, I suppose I wish we could have had one night without it. I do feel shame over how I’ve been in our relationship – I have been far from kind, and I have been a real cause of depression to him. It would be bad enough if I just failed to listen, but I actively torpedoed him – I can accept and admit as much, which he says relieves him if some of the shame he had been carrying.

I think that he would be better off without me. I’m too chicken to act on that feeling. So I took a load of over-the-sleepaids I really don’t know what I was thinking. Husband is here,  he’s angry and has a lot to say.

I keep writing this, feeling woozy but otherwise ok.

I started to feel my arms and legs go numb and I was finding it difficult to walk or use my hands. Ok the one hand, it was a nice feeling, on the other I began to panic and I tried to make myself throw up – I couldn’t do it. I called for husband to see if could do anything (he’s fine things like this many many times previously). He told me to keep doing what I should be doing.i was finding walking difficult, as though my legs would give way from under me, which they did, and I staggered around. He did get me some salt I  to help me yak up the pills. It didn’t do anything. After a bit I thought that i might as well go bed.

In bed, I kept feeling as though I was falling; it took me a while to get to sleep. The sensations were horrible and scary. I thought I was going to throw, which I tried to do (I have never been able to do it). I kept thinking that there was somebody else in the room; if catch something on the corner of my eye, but if turned to see, there was nothing there.  I wanted to lie down and go to sleep, but I was scared to.

This morning, my head feels like I have a bit of a hangover. I’m trying to eat breakfast. And hands feel numb and tingly.

I feel ashamed and embarrassed.

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As the morning moves on, I’m feeling quite unwell, a little bit like being drunk, finding a difficult making words, I think I’m hallucinating  – just shimmering and I’m seeing  little people sometimes just the ghost of them.

I’m still staggered around, feeling tired, and feeling quite unwell.

I had to apologise to my husband for acting this way. I didn’t intend to ever wake up, but was scared, and that is one reason that I didn’t; by far the most important reason was I didn’t want to put my husband through that. He’s had enough grief.

We did some more talking. It was ok. Actually, it wasn’t.

Sam extra thing for me to take into counselling: how do I manage these sudden precipitous dangerous drops in mood.