I started reading this book while I was in the recovery centre in Mexico. I got about halfway through before a had to hurry home. Once home, the time available for reading was much reduced, which is a shame as it rather spoilt the enjoyment of this book.

I didn’t approach this book as an academic text; I think that ability is lost to the mists of my university days so many years ago; instead I approached it from an aspect of identification and self-discovery.

The book came up on my Facebook feed, which is itself kind of disturbing (and also amusing) since I only search for kink and porn in anonymous browsing mode.

I loved the relationship between kink and the soul that I encountered while testing this book; the book felt far from the clinical assessment of kink that I was expecting and instead made me appreciate BDSM as much more of a spiritual experience. I thoroughly enjoyed the references to classical mythology, which invoked my old interests in the ancient world.

I’ve made a note of some of the parts of the book that particularly grabbed my imagination or I could especially relate to or learn from.

Soul centred means to be simultaneously non-literal and image focused

Page 16

This made me realise that this book was going to be something special: kink exists in the imagination and is inherently creative.

a kinky person acknowledges that they cannot feel authentic or whole without allowing deeper truths to become part of life.

Page 38

For me this was a powerful statement as it related directly to my long-term suppression of my castration urges and of my Dark Fantasies (which is what I call my more extreme kinks, including fantasies of being raped and abused). My denial of their very existence stopped me from being a complete human. I believe that my disavowal of my dark inner world led me to enact many of its components in the real world, or rather coerce my husband into taking on the roles I required to satisfy the commands of the dark regions of my soul. This damaged him and my relationship with him.

If the conscious personality is unable to work with shadow material and to come to terms with it’s destructive aspects, it’s appearance is potentially devastating.

Page 41

I completely related to this statement: some of the greatest damage that I have done to others and myself is through denial of the dark forces that live in my psyche. Dark forces cannot be denied forever – they will out and gain expression. One can either acknowledge them and integrate them into one’s consciousness, or reject them, and have them punish you for their rejection.

the object of his hatred was also a projection of some disowned part of himself.

Page 42

This is something I’ve been aware of in others but have only recently become aware of in myself: that the characteristics that I most abhor about myself. Sometimes I will even go so far as to project onto others characteristics of myself that I hate that they themselves don’t even possess. It enables me to disown those parts of myself that I feel the greatest discomfort over … and prevents me from being the authentic complete person that I wish to be – and it injures the canvas that I have projected this image into.

BDSM presents an opportunity for individuals to reclaim discarded parts of their inner life that are countercultural in nature yet psychologically necessary for them to gain self-knowledge and move towards becoming a whole person.

Page 50

Since coming out as wanting to be a eunuch/non-binary, I’ve had the disowned parts of myself crash into my consciousness. A lot of the self-work that I’ve done on my own, with my counsellor, with my husband, and with the eunuch community has involved me discovering and integrating the parts of myself that I had rejected as immoral or bad. Even my husband, though hurt by my coercing him into my Dark Fantasies, says that there is nothing inherently wrong with them. I see BDSM as a way to explore this part of myself and integrate it into my whole self.

it is the disavowal of our own capacity for evil that leads to projections and the justification to perpetrate evil acts.

Page 136

This connected to my own disowned characteristics; I had indeed projected many of the things I disliked about myself onto my husband, and then punished him for them. A good recent example is the way I decided on my own internal dialogue that he would hate me for the Dark Fantasies, or would think me insane for wanting castration, or would reject me for feeling the way I do, so I rejected him first and judged him as not being able to understand, which led me to getting angry about him … and the poor guy hadn’t done anything to deserve my anger or judgement.

By not allowing these unacceptable elements to come into consciousness, they easily become shadow projections that we cast onto others whom we then perceive as evil.

Page 136

Definitely I see that those thoughts, feelings, urges that I do not recognise and integrate into my life, leak out in ways that harm others. Sometimes this might be by unconsciously acting out.

If we understand individually the risks of projecting our shadow onto others, the risk of collective stigma against ostracized groups will decrease.

Page 136

There is something of a historical perspective in this extract: I am minded of the rise of antisemitism is the 1920s, islamaphobia, of homophobia, and now of transphobia. It’s an interesting and alarming thought that suppressing or dark sides ultimately gives them power and can unleash great destruction on the wider world.

Wholeness comes through introspection, reflection, inner struggle (soul work), and a personal system of morality and ethics, which must be constantly tested and revised.

Page 137

I pulled this quote out because it so beautifully expresses the “work” of living a life of integrity and authenticity.

Your upbringing may have taught you to reject and discard certain aspects of who you are on a deeper level. Your kink restores those lost parts of parts and can lead to a richer imagination and a fuller range of emotions.

Page 138

There are a number of aspects of my upbringing that have shaped who I haver been and who I am.

My father: a functioning alcoholic, who I experienced as unpredictable and angry. I learned to hide from anger, both that of other people and my own. My own anger has only ever been expressed indirectly – my husband has been the primary recipient of this repressed anger.

The religious upbringing: taught me to judge, hate, and fear myself. I managed to own my gay self and come out in my twenties. I was too ashamed and afraid of my kinky self to go there for many years.

The love of my mum and nan: how can the beautiful love of two wonderful women result in me disavowing parts of myself? Fear of “upsetting” them! Learning to put their not-upsetness as more important than my own completeness. My mother’s disappointment was a terrible thing for me to feel.

I was definitely programmed not to rebel … but I am a subversive when I cannot express myself directly. Subversion is a form of rebellion. I guess this is why I’m less adapted to “slave” and more adapted to “little”, “primal prey” or “brat” … I like the “prey” part of myself, but I don’t like the “brat”, however I must work to integrate this identity into my whole. I’m curious how my “pet” (pup) identity fits into this. I can see how my “little” side is derived.

If you want the most of it your kink, treat it as psychological work.

Page 138

With this thought, suddenly kink becomes more than just play or indulging in sexual fantasy, it suddenly turns into part of my ongoing voyage of self-discovery! Kink as sex/play is fun, however the thought that it can help me understand myself makes it even more exciting for me!

[Death] has also become the imaginal reference point for symbolic journeys of initiation, including those undertaken by BDSM practitioners, especially those seeking spiritual growth through their activities.

Page 240

I’m going to explore this fascinating idea on another blog post, something about it really struck a chord with me.

Eros brings together Gaia and Ouranos, Earth and Sky, and so subsequent couplings, couplings that are creative and reproductive although not necessarily harmonious. Gaia becomes so jealous of Ouranos’s attempts to control her that she persuades her youngest son to castrate her husband. When the severed genitals are tossed into the sea, full-grown Aphrodite, goddess of sensual love, of the feeling side of love, of a more personal kind of loving, emerges from the waters.

Page 251

This was the only instance where castration was mentioned; I’ll investigate this one at the same time as the wire above – for me there was a lot of imagery in the last two chapters that I could draw into my own journey through castration that might be fun to think about in detail and explore.