Last night I got 7.5 hours sleep, which I’ve not had for a long time. I tried have 2 little over-the-counter helpers and I put my phone on silent. Tonight I’ll try with just one helper. It’s making a massive difference not obsessing about my balls, not feeling them the, and feeling anxious about surgery. In myself I feel so much more at peace and relaxed. My BP this morning was 110/85, which is the best it’s been.

However, as soon as I saw that I’d missed two calls from my husband, my anxiety rose and I immediately felt guilty. He’s not picking up the phone.

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I’ll start with him. He has a long history of bipolar and PTSD. He is having a PTSD episode at home right now. I’ve spoken to him for an hour and three quarters before he hung up. He’s telling me that he wants to end his life and that he just wants to say goodbye. He is hurting so much and for so many reasons, me and the way I’ve been with him over all the years we’ve been together are some of them, but there is history of abuse in the home he grew up with, the breakup of family and the rejection from his children because of his mental illness. Not too mention that because I was too afraid of who I was that is deflect any problems I had straight back at him. Cruel and unkind, and I regret every word of them.

When the phone went dead, I was straight back onto the crisis team in Southampton. I have to rely on them. Even if I left now and that every connection was ready the moment I got there, I am at least 24 hours away from home. I’m at least 2 possibly even 3 days from being fit to attempt such a journey. I want to scream my frustration and fear.

I have never felt so powerless.

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I’m going to stop writing there … I can’t follow that with anything else for the moment.

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