For most of my adult life (I came out when I was 20), I have identified as a gay man. My husband has too (although it took him longer to accept his sexuality). We have both been out and proud of our sexuality and the identity it brings. It’s something we’ve had in common. Indeed, we both feel a kind of obligation to show our sexuality through things that we wear: for example rainbow shoelaces, rainbow badges, rainbow wristbands. We both feel that we need to show to those who are afraid and not out that it is ok to be gay and that you can lead happy and fulfilled life as a gay person (hey! We can show in-the-closet anybodies that it’s ok to be gay).

Since I came out as wanting castration and realising that made me non-binary because I would also then be a eunuch, which some people regard as a gender in its own right, my husband has really struggled with his identity. It’s wasn’t until it was threatened that he realised how important it was to him that he and I were gay men together. I don’t know how I would feel if the roles were reversed and he announced a major change like I have – I probably would handle it much worse than he has!

Last night, when we were watching a trailer for a gay film, my husband asked “has that got your interest? I suppose it might not because you’re not going to be a gay man any more.”, which was a bit weird, and a bit funny. Of course I want to see the film! One of the actors is quite hot!

I’m still questioning and exploring my identity. Sometimes I think that I’m just going to be a gay man without balls. Sometimes I think that I’ll be less than a man, at least my use of language around it suggests that’s how I feel: I’ve used the phrase “full man” to describe guys with all their equipment. A friend suggested that maybe using terms like “full man” isn’t quite what I mean and something like “complete male” would be better. I’m not sure that is any different really. I’ve been increasingly using semi-masc(uline) to describe how I feel about myself, I kind of like that. I think I’m ok with adopting a non-binary identity.

I believe that I will have to fully embrace the eunuch identity – from experiences of talking with guys who have felt bad after losing their balls, something they’ve all had in common was not embracing this new identity. But maybe there are castrated guys who don’t adopt that identity and embracing a eunuch identity actually isn’t important, and the ones that are unhappy are simply unhappy because they never really and truly wanted to be castrated, they just acted out on a fantasy without really meditating on what the reality would mean; I hope that I have mediated enough.

So, this is where I’m at:

I’m not mourning my “gay man” identity. I do not know whether that’s because I don’t feel as though I’m really leaving it behind, or because the excitement of exploring who I am and who I can be is so much greater.

Maybe I’ll identify simply as a gay eunuch.

When asked my gender I think I may start answering non-binary at least sometimes – maybe always – I don’t know yet.

I don’t have to decide now. I don’t really know how I’m going to feel until I’m on the other side of all this. Maybe I don’t have to decide at all.

I wonder whether there is a token or symbol that identifies eunuchs/castrated men that I could wear alongside my rainbow badges? I feel that I will want people who feel like me about themselves to know – I want to be the “it’s all ok” for them that I like to think I’ve been for gay people.

I think I might get the unicorn image that I’ve adopted for this blog as a tattoo!

I definitely intend to enjoy being a eunuch!