How would I feel most comfortable in terms of my body outside of sexual scenarios?
There are a few scenarios that I can think of where I would be naked:

• Medical – it’ll be in my doctor’s notes anyway; I have a policy of complete honesty with my doctor and the medical profession about my plans to be castrated – it saves me having to remember what I’ve said and I think it is a small challenge I can give that says “look, I’m different and I need your help”
• Gym – I am getting more brazen about wearing my cock cage in the shower area of the gym; I don’t think that being castrated will be that much different – some folks will notice, no one will say anything. I suspect my feeling about that situation will depend how I am feeling about myself on that particular day, some days I will be very proud and enjoy my nakedness, other days (much like I am at the moment) I will furtively shuffle from the cubicle to the lockers hiding behind my towel. I would like to think that I will become a “proud gelding”.
• Beach – not necessarily naked, but my trunks will obviously not be containing very much. I think it will only be noticeable until I get in the water: once I’ve been in the sea, I don’t reckon that I would look much different to most other guys!
• at home in the shower around my husband – I’ve highlighted this because it is a non-sexual situation and sometimes both he and I do not want to be seen naked by the other, either because we are feeling insecure or maybe we have had a row and being naked simply feels to exposing.

How (in terms of my body) would I feel most fulfilled in sexual scenarios?
Since coming out about my desire for castration my CNC fantasies have completely died – they don’t seem to do anything for me anymore and I believe that was because they all involved some kind of emasculation. I still fantasise about restraints and that kind of BDSM still excites me and forms part of my sexual fantasies. I like a small amount of pain; I prefer tickling though!

I would like to explore puppy/animal play – when I have experimented on my own, I found the experience liberating in being able to leave behind my human cares. This really needs a “handler” or “owner” to go deeper though.

Intimate sex – this is the sex that my husband likes. I like it too, but its not enough on its own. That is true with or without balls. However, in my fantasies about sex it is intimate sex that I dream about my partner actually enjoying my castrated state and giving it space to be appreciated during the act. I need to move beyond my husband “accepting” that I am castrated and moving towards “loving” that I am castrated.

I may have to accept that my husband may accept that I am castrated but may never love it.


How do I feel about being part of a minority group?
Until the question was asked, I hadn’t really considered it …

When I first came out as gay back in 1994, Section 28 was still a thing and it was still possible to discriminate against homosexuality in the employment place, and the AIDS crisis was still very much a thing – everyone was traumatised by the “don’t die of ignorance” campaign – gay men, whether positive or negative, were tainted by this disease; whilst pride was a party, it had much more of a protest element to it. Coming out was a big risk (it still is now, but I would argue much less so). In my first job I sent an email around the office which effectively read “I’m gay. If you don’t like it tough!”. My family was accepting, even my dad whom I was most afraid to tell was very calm about it. I lost one friendship group when I came out.

I find, looking back on it, that I enjoyed being part of a minority group and miss that Pride is only a party now and has lost so much of its meaning. I am not afraid of being part of a minority group.


How do I feel about becoming stigmatised?
Being voluntarily castrated will put me into a whole new category. When I first came out, I was afraid that dangerous people would know and would victimise me (it did happen a few times), but the tide of public acceptance was rising, and it got easier. I don’t expect any such change in tide regarding voluntary castration; any stigma that I acquire through this process is likely to remain with me for the rest of my life. I feel that the key to my survival and being a le to flourish must be to embrace this new identity and thoroughly inhabit it, at least initially. Learnt to celebrate and enjoy the new existence – that is how I anticipate feeling when I achieve this. Part of me feels that I will have a duty to others like me to show that they are not alone and that there are others like them who share their physical stigma; I feel that a certain level of visibility will help reduce the stigma associated with castration.

I got my first tattoos when I was at Uni and back then tattoos were not something that “nice boys” have and occasionally drew stares and I felt judged. It didn’t usually bother me. On one occasion they actually caused a degree of discomfort; I was working for a vehicle leasing company, but it wasn’t until I started the job that I learnt that I was not permitted to have any ink visible at the office. Fridays were dress down days, and I would often wear a T shirt which would reveal some tattooed skin. Nobody ever said anything, but I felt self-conscious. I do not know how I would have felt or responded had anybody said anything. I have much more ink these days, and whilst tattoos don’t have the same stigma that they used to, I would ensure that my ink was on display during the interview – if nothing was said about it during the interview, then I would feel within my rights to ignore any bollocks company policy on visibility of tattooed skin. I would not want to give my services to any organisation that judged people based on any personal attribute – including piercings or tattoos.

I think I am not afraid of some level of stigma, and actually rather enjoy the distinction that it can bring.

Where/how much/from whom do I seek validation from others?
I vary from being very self-reliant and self-contained to feeing very needy of external validation. In so many ways I am very self-motivating – running, learning the piano, etc I do not need external validation and my own internal dialogue is generally sufficient. Work I do need some reassurance to confirm that I am on the right line and that what I do is satisfactory. I do need some encouragement there. Within my relationship with my husband, I can also appear very self-contained; I rarely show vulnerability or neediness, however that is a lie: I do need reassurance and validation from him and in denying this need I have been denying hi many opportunities to feel loved and needed himself.

Do I value notoriety or acceptance?

I have never joined a march or a protest, although I have written extensively to my MP (that was a pointless exercise). I have regretted not marching on a couple of issues. Sometimes I use my public social media profiles to highlight various social issues, but I am not exceptional in that.

I feel that need some acceptance, but if I have that I can handle some notoriety as well.