I thought things were going well with my husband; I foolishly told him about my “emergency kit” (elastrator, pain relief, sleeping pills, etc) in the spirit of openness and trust that I want to build. Obviously (obvious – although it didn’t occur to me at the time – seems I can be too open), he freaked out. He was on the point of ransacking the house, so I fetched it and have it to him. He held me while I cried. I felt as though I was giving up some power.

Around the same time I also told him that if he ever found me with my balls bound that he must not remove the binding because he have no idea how long it has been there and I could get blood clots or stroke, or blood poisoning. I said he should call am ambulance. Another statement that freaked him out.

The following day he wasn’t on board at all. He railed against the online support I’d found; somehow he thinks that I’m being encouraged or egged on. Nobody is encouraging me, but there a few good people who are supporting me and helping me understand and come to terms with what I need to do. He felt that I was feeding it. It doesn’t need feeding.

He also said that if not had enough therapy and I certainly hadn’t explained things to him. Perhaps there is some truth in that, but I have repeatedly said to him that what I feel I need to do is illogical and irrational, to which he’d replied that feelings are often illogical and irrational; with him being a very feelings oriented person, I took that mean that he got it.

He’s completely backtracked on the acceptance. I no longer feel supported or safe. I have no idea whether I’m going to be “allowed” to pursue the Mexico option. Although I plan to keep my consultation on Monday night anyway.

He has told me that if I try a DIY job that the mental health people will get involved and that would end Mexico trip. He’s threatened to get them involved anyway.

Right now I am feeling betrayed, powerless, hopeless, tired, and invalidated.

I really shouldn’t expect this to be an easy ride … maybe I should at least try to remain hopeful though, I’ve had a few lows and highs so far.

I do recognise that he loves me. He is shocked and confused himself by what I am going through. I do get that he is doing and saying what he thinks is right.

These emotional barriers are as difficult to navigate as the administrative ones. I had thoughts of taken an overdose, then realised that I really don’t want to die, but the thoughts are there. This is a difficult road and I feel very deeply for those sisters and brothers struggling with any kind of transition … it is no wonder that not all of them survive it.