Originally published 27th November 2023

I didn’t expect to do two posts in a row, generally my life isn’t that interesting.

Yesterday started badly with me feeling low and a little bereft, having grown accustomed to feeling desperate and for the first time in a while I want feeling desperate and I actually missed the feeling!

Yesterday finished much better than it started.

Hubby and I spent quite some time talking – it is the only way to heal our fractured relationship – and I think we are making progress. I really need to tell him that whilst I have to do this with or without him, that it will really mean something to me if he is with me – and I mean “mean something” – as in it will feel more purposeful in some way.

A few days ago, he told me that he’d been searching the internet for castrated cocks and hadn’t found anything (Google is not very forthcoming on images). I said that I had a collection of them and some videos and that I could send them to him if he liked. He said he’d like and yes please. So I grabbed a load of them and sent him the link.

Yesterday afternoon, amongst all the other things we talked about, he mentioned that he’d seen the pictures and that he was surprised by what he felt: he had expected to feel disturbed. Instead he felt turned on and a little jealous and a little insecure. Turned on is GOOD – that is EXCITING! Jealous and insecure are a little bit worrying – he observed that without the usual framing of testicles that the cocks looked MUCH bigger and that was one of the reasons that made him feel insecure and jealous.

He also said that he “accepted” that I needed to do this, and that he “wanted me to do it if it was what I needed and would make me happy and complete”. He had some worry that after they’re gone, that I’ll revert to being the closed down person I’ve always been; I couldn’t promise anything for the future, but I could say that I love the new, open, authentic me and that I never want to return to the old shut-down James. I feel that I rather like who I am becoming. it was what I needed and would make feel happy”.

I didn’t sleep a wink last night, but instead of my mind turning over ways I could castrated myself, I was buzzing with excitement.

This morning, after I told him why I couldn’t sleep, he said to me “once your friend here back from Mexico, we’ll get you booked in”.

I feel blown away and supremely grateful!