24th November 2023

Some days I just realise that I really was born under a lucky star.

Initially, my husband took everything that I shared about my dark fantasies and desire for castration very, very badly; it seemed as though our relationship would not survive it. The anger and hurt it brought up in him steadily made him very ill, until his bipolar took over and he retreated into his own dark space. I myself felt angry and hurt: I did not have the emotional resources to deal with it this time. I was (mostly) kind, patient, and loving, and he slowly emerged from it.

Today, I was sat reading while he was watching telly when he nodded towards my crotch and asked “how is it going?”. I told him that chastity wasn’t fun at the moment really because I was wearing it to discourage from from banding my balls. I said that if he’d stayed under one more week that is exactly what I was going to do anyway. I told him of my 5 different plans to get castrated, each one getting more expense or crazier. I talked about the difficulties that the NHS approach is likely to present, that I’ve been recommended a place in Mexico (and I was lucky enough to have made a friend who was going there), that I was looking at UK private hospitals, but expected similar issues to those expect to get with the NHS. I also mentioned the 2 crazy options of banding the balls to death or finding a cutter. I said “this is going to happen”.

We talked about our relationship, we recognise that we are in a difficult place and might not make it, but there is also the possibility that we might actually be in a better place now that everything about me is is the open. How there needs to be space for me to have and express feelings, whilst recognising that he had tried to investigate my feelings in the past, his own address just so huge that I can feel stiffled buy them.

We talked about me helping him find support using the same techniques as I used to find the friendly and supportive people in this strange online universe.

We expressed our love for each other and I said that I needed his help. I don’t think I have ever really needed him before. I know I can do it without him, but with him will be absolutely amazing!

He asked to be let in, although he acknowledged that this is my thing. I would love to invite him in, and to share what I’m learning and what I’m planning and what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling. I believe, that whilst he doesn’t understand (and there is much about him that I do not understand) he will support me. I am so lucky!