Originally posted 4th November 2023

Of recent months, a long held fantasy of mine to be castrated and live without my testicles grew significantly stronger. My other kinky interests also intensified over recent years. I am in therapy at the moment trying to understand what is going on and create some space for me to understand my own brain before I do something that I might regret.

My initial interest in castration (and some other BDSM type kinks) were stirred at university, where I studied ancient history. Learning that men could lose their testicles excited me beyond anything else. I didn’t like the way eunuchs were described in history books or literature – they were always weak, underhand, or feminine, which I’m afraid rather pushed me away from it.

However, the interest never really went away – it as always there, lurking in the back of may brain.

I started uni when I was 19, and I finally came out as gay when I was 21. The next couple of years I explored the more vanilla side of my sexuality – that was enough back them. I was then, and still am a subby bottom type, but back then I also jerked off during sex – and sex would have to end pretty much as soon as I came.

At 23 I met my now husband. It has been a very rocky relationship, full of ups and downs. Sometimes it feels as fragile as a snowflake, but we’re still together 26 years later, so we’re actually pretty robust. In all that tie though, I have had a problem communicating with my husband – I am conflict averse and tend to retreat into myself when voices are raised, this has been frustrating for him as open discussion can be difficult. He suspects that I’m somewhere on the autistic/Asperger’s spectrum. Maybe I am.

An important detail, which is significant, is that my husband grew up in an abusive family. Some of my kinks involve my being abused/raped. I never felt that I could talk about that with him.

About 5 years ago I moved from the town I grew up in. A year after, my mum died. Then COVID struck. During that time I began wanting to explore some of my gentler my kinks. I opened up about wanting to be restrained and having a bit of light S&M. He wasn’t into that at all, so after a few attempts, it stopped. So I have been unfulfilled in that regard. A few months ago I suggested we try chastity: he could keep the key and be in control of when (and) if I orgasmed. All the while, my castration desire/fantasy was growing.

My husband knew there was something wrong in our relationship. He was getting increasingly unhappy – he was especially unhappy about my trying to turn him into my Dom. He was also concerned that I wasn’t coping with my grief at the loss of m mum. He suggested that we needed couple’s counselling, unless I wanted to get some counselling for myself for grief.

I’d been considering therapy for myself because my castration urges were beginning to turn into dangerous playing with banding; I would tie a shoelace around my balls, pull it tight, and leave it on for anywhere from 20 to 30 minutes. (Please don’t get pedantic that a shoelace isn’t a band – the effect is the same!). SO I said that I was seeking therapy for myself for grief and sex. He understood the grief, but not why I should be seeking counselling for sex – surely that was something we should discuss together?

I had one session, and tried to talk to my husband about why I was seeing therapy. I initially said that I was troubled by “dark thoughts”, but seeing his puzzlement I went further and further. I gradually told him about all my fantasies about free use and non-consent and so forth. I also said that I wanted to be castrated (not because of the dark fantasies, but for its own sake). I said that I felt shame and embarrassment for these thoughts and feelings. He didn’t say much other than he needed to think about what I’d said.

He didn’t sleep that night and the next day felt as though the world was ending. He said that he felt like he didn’t know me, that I’d 26 years to tell him all this stuff, he felt as though I’d been having an affair. He talked for hours. My legs gave from under me and I crouched on the floor holding my head as though I was being physically beaten. He wasn’t physically threatening me; his voice wasn’t even that loud, but what he was saying sounded so final. He only referenced castration since when he said that he didn’t want me to mutilate myself.

That was over a month ago. Since then, I was banding several times a day. We have talked only a couple of times and the atmosphere has been intolerable. A friend of mine (I count him as a friend, even though we met on Reddit only as a result of me seeking support for my castration urges), suggested that I go back into chastity to give myself time to think … and keep my balls safe while I did! Another Reddit fried, whom I found around the same time and through the same channels), has also urged caution. The chastity suggesting friend is castration-curious (he knows that its just a kink for him), the other has had an orchi and is happy in his body. I have valued their support. The counsellor is helping, since it is useful to hear the words out loud. Each of these people have asked interesting, insightful, and sometimes challenging questions – they have all been compassionate.

On Thursday, my husband said that he was going to stay in a hotel for a few nights. I didn’t feel safe on my own, so I asked him to take the keys to my cage with him; fortunately, he agreed. Its now Saturday. I am glad of this space. As he left he told me that he loved me and he didn’t want me to feel any shame.

I think I’ll post my thoughts and experiences here: its good to have an outlet. maybe I will one day go all the way, maybe I won’t.

Of you got this far, thanks for listening.