I stumbled across the image below while scrolling through Reddit (see, it is good for something) and was rather taken with it. I asked the poster if I could reproduce it on my blog.

It was a guide on how their allistic partner could read them and what to do about it.

I don’t know how “severe” this person’s symptoms actually are, but I could recognise so much of myself in what they wrote.

Why I might be quiet (and that’s fine)

• I’m thinking about something
• I just don’t feel like talking
• I don’t have anything meaningful to say
• I’m overstimulated
• I’m conserving energy
• I’m tired
• I’m listening to music
• I could just be thinking about what to say
• I just like being quiet sometimes

I know in the past that silence might have been bad, but that’s not how it is with me. If I’m quiet, just assume its okay unless I say otherwise. Silence = peace for me, not anger or anything bad. If you’re not sure, you can ask me about it.

Except that I was never very good at being questioned – that would freak me out because sometimes I heard a question as a statement that I was faulty.

How to tell when I’m actually upset

• If I’m looking around quickly (in different directions)
• I might shrink back and go still (I’m not scared of you)
• I usually won’t cry, I tend to physically shutdown (if I cry its usually when I’m talking)
• My voice might get louder (whiney), quicker, more clipped, shakey, or stuttery. I’m sorry when it causes me to yell, and that’s not okay on my part

I might take a moment to say when I’m upset, but don’t constantly assume that I’m upset. We’ll discuss it if it happens; I’ll always tell you.

If you notice these or think I might be upset, you can check up on me, though I’d prefer it if it was softer. What I mean by that is don’t panic or assume the worst.

I was startled to read that this person generally cries when talking, otherwise they are more likely to shutdown – very much like me.

When I’m excited, I get louder. When I’m upset, I get quieter and pause a lot more and may struggle to find words or express myself.

When I’m overstimulated and/or overwhelmed (not angry or upset)

• I might be quieter, be zoned out, or in a verbal shutdown
• Fidget or stim more
• Look more panicked/stressed

I’m not mad, I just need more support at that time.

Overstimulation for me looks different – I become hyper, very talkative, a thousand thoughts a second – and those thoughts mightn’t get filtered before I speak them. I will gesticulate more wildly. And I will almost certainly get louder.

Until I crash. Then my brain seizes up and I shutdown. Like a droid with a flat battery.

Just know that I love you no matter what. I know you struggle to understand sometimes, so I try to help. You don’t need to fix anything, even though I know you want to help. If you’re not sure what to do, please ask me ♥️

That is the reassurance I wish that I had been aware enough to offer to my husband. That is what a diagnosis can do for you (I think): create awareness and therefore open up new choices.

How to help

• Ask if I want to talk or need space
• Don’t press for answers or ask too many questions (that could make things worse)
• Stay calm, patient, and understanding
• Don’t try to guess what’s wrong (that can just cause misunderstandings)
• Don’t panic, it will stress me out more
• Sometimes I just have to go through it, you being there for me helps the most
• You can try, and if I give you the okay, hugs/similar things can be very helpful/comforting for me

I wish that I had thought about my own coping mechanisms and been able to communicate them to my husband – it might have saved a lot of pain and anguish on both our parts.