Friday has become cinema night with my friend Ambrosius. We both look forward to it all week.

I picked him up in the car and we began to talk about our respective weeks.

I cannot resist a direct question – if asked I’ll tend to give direct answers. It’s not that I don’t know how to lie, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable – my tummy does somersaults and I get very anxious. Besides, lying requires a good memory and a quick mind. I don’t really have either.

Honesty had a price to pay in my marriage and being evasive had become a way of life – when I shared my thoughts and feelings with him about anything I then had to process his thoughts and feelings too – often before I’d really processed my own. There wasn’t space enough for us both to be emotional.

I was never unfaithful in body with my husband, but I was unfaithful in mind: I was not open with him. He shared everything with me.

But he found it difficult to share me. Whilst he never said “do not spend time with x”, he often seemed jealous that I might share something with friends that I didn’t share with him. But I never told friends or family anything that I wouldn’t tell him – and nobody knew how I felt towards my body and gender. Much of my conversations with other people were about my husband and what was going on for him and how he felt.

I think the word for that is “codependent”.

My marriage was not a healthy one.

He would say “I have no problem you spending time with x”, but – as I became aware of in counselling – he wouldn’t encourage me to spend time with family and friends, and somehow (and I do not know how) I always felt that I needed to get back home. There is a difference between “having no problem” and being supportive of a friendship.

Maybe it was the times he complained that he didn’t know what to do about tea.

Maybe it was the lack of warmth and curiosity when I got home.

So, back to the car with Ambrosius, I started to tell him a little about my recent sexploits.

He was very interested in my time with a Dom I’ve played with twice.

I felt a bit uncomfortable sharing it because this was way more intimate than I’m used to sharing with anybody! And I expected a reaction – disgust that I was a dirty slut, betrayal that I’d been playing with another person, or jealousy.

I told him about the riding crop (“tickle stick from an earlier post 🤣), the paddle, and the difference between being spanked when the Dom is wearing leather gloves or bare hand (gloves is more comfortable – make of that what you will!). The nipple play and the various other things that were done – this Dom is quite imaginative and works hard. And I worked hard to please him in return – we both indulged each other’s fantasies.

He asked questions, but I didn’t know why – and while driving I couldn’t look at his face to gauge his reactions. Its not like films or TV where people make constant eye contact when talking in the car and seem oblivious to the road.

It wasn’t until he said that he might have dribbled a little pre-cum that I realised that he was not only OK with me sharing but was enjoying it!

That was a surprise!

A positive response from sharing!

If he’s jealous, he’s not jealous that he shares me with other people (we’re not boyfriends), but perhaps a little envious of my experiences – even if they’re not exactly to his tastes.

He thinks that I might be possessive and would be jealous if he had his own sexploits. I haven’t been in a situation where that could be tested so I do not know how I will feel.

I like to think that I would not be jealous. I want to live a life where I can share my affection, whatever form is appropriate, with anybody I choose – and that they can share as much affection with me as they want. I don’t want to own another.

I want to live a life where freedom and honesty go hand in hand.