Its been four weeks since my heart attack.

the time has dragged and flown by at the same time. The first weeks dragged, the second weeks flew – I think its because I had settled into a more gentle rhythm

I don’t think I was ever afraid; I’m more afraid of erectile dysfunction than a second heart attack – perhaps that’s why I did silly things with my energy that took days to recover from.

Never having been in a great deal of pain throughout (except the twelve hours before surgery – even that wasn’t crippling) and never having felt ill in any sense that I was accustomed to didn’t make it any more real for me. Maybe if it had felt more real, I might have felt more scared and been more cautious.

Does fear only kick in when something feels undeniable in the body? Or am I just unable to recognise it?

Whatever, I am recovering and getting my energy back slowly.

You might remember, some time ago, that I wrote about spoon theory. At the time, I was talking about the unpredictable energy levels in emotional and social situations. This time I have had a very real experience of physical spoon theory: I never really knew how much energy I’d have for a physical activity. This is still true, but I have more spoons now.

At the time, it felt that this heart attack came from nowhere, but I can think back and see some warning signs – most notably that I would get dizzy when working out at the gym. Big warning sign that I could have spotted. I just thought it was low energy from the seven months I’d had without hormones. How many of us misinterpret those little signals because they don’t fit our idea of illness?

I have had some help: my husband stayed with me the first couple of nights and bought my shopping and My Dom friend took me out from time to time and gave me a lift to the hospital. I have also made other new friends – nothing to do with my heart. These acts were essential – practically and emotionally. This would have been so much harder without the love and support of others.

The next four weeks will involve tests and consultations and rehab – if there’s to be surgery, I’ll need to be as fit as possible! I feel kind of excited about it rather than afraid – it will be the first time I have had a general anaesthetic. And once recovered from that, I’ll be in a position to really regain my fitness.

The adventure’s not over yet!