It’s two weeks today since my heart attack. It feels longer.

It was also counselling today – it was fun to catch up with Richard, my counsellor. I think I gave him quite a scare when I told him that I’d had a heart attack almost immediately after our last counselling session.

It was mostly a session full of giggles – it is kind of ironic that two days before the end of a two week period of leave that I’d had a heart attack. Its like my body timed it. You know like when you book a holiday and your body goes “oh, now you have time for that cold I’ve been saving for you.” This time though my body had saved up a major cardiac event for me.

Such fun.

I noticed that I’d never been afraid through out – and I’m still not afraid. I mean, it could happen again – especially if I over do it in the recovery period. I have felt like this is a kind of adventure and approached it with curiosity. Maybe that is the difference, if so its an important discovery: approaching the unknown with curiosity rather than fear is a much more comfortable way to deal with things.

Richard said that perhaps my brain was still gathering data and will decide how its going to respond when its all over. Cheeky sod!

Of course, the other irony was that I had a variety of sexventures lined up that I’ve had to put on hold for the moment. This time its like rain on a bank holiday when you’ve planned to go to the beach. That has felt frustrating – especially since I have waited a long time for them and I am feeling horny all the time.

Regarding my libido, I had to explain to Richard that until the endocrinologist had told me off for increasing my testosterone, I’d been using two pumps of Testavan most days. Since then I have been using one, but I cannot reduce that further at the moment because as well as the muscle growth and libido, testosterone also influences red blood cell production.

Why is red blood cell production relevant? Well, too much testosterone and your body produces more haemoglobin (red blood cells). Too much red blood makes your blood thick and sticky, which makes it harder to pump, increasing blood pressure and increasing the likelihood of clots. Not good.

Too little and the red blood cell count drops; it won’t go through the floor, but there will be less haemoglobin produced … which would mean less oxygen in my blood … which means my heart would be getting less of the things it needs to heal. Also not good.

So I cannot adjust my testosterone – I just have to live with feeling horny!

I talked about Patricius and how he has become a friend, contacting me everyday since the attack, and has even taken me out for a drive. I trust Patricius and I believe that when I am in a safer zone sexually regarding my heart, that he would be safe to play with – he would be gentle and careful with me.

Others I could not count on.

I told him that I have been playing by myself, trying not to get too excited and to keep my heart rate low. That’s something I can do on my on. I told him about my new toys – and I realised that all the time I was with my husband I had very little time to myself. I had no time to play and work out what I liked. That made me feel quite sad because without that time by myself, I actually had much less to share with him since I had no time to learn anything about what I liked and how my body worked in response to various toys. He just thought I didn’t like toys. Lost opportunities.

We had a laugh as I described some of my toys and how they work. I love that he is so sex-positive.

However, there was a darker side to the play: I have a number of medications to control cholesterol and blood pressure, the side effects of which include the possibility of erectile dysfunction. If that happens, considering that I’m probably on these kinds of medications for life, I will almost certainly move towards nullification because I find my flaccid penis difficult to deal with – I don’t like the way it either looks nor how it feels when it touches my skin.

I have made some other friends from the hook-up apps – one of whom told me about the Nuzzles puppy meetup in Southampton. That’s on the 20th September; all things being equal, I still plan to go. I’ve bought some clothes to complement my puppy hood. Puppy play is pure fun, abandoning one’s human restraints and adopting the joy of an unencumbered puppy full of play and mischief!

Finally, I talked about how the person I most wanted to share all this excitement with was my husband – who is the one person I cannot share this with. In its own way, its like I could not share my grief for my mum with my mum. Such is the nature of grief. There is an ache there which I have never been able to satisfy and probably never will.

And now Richard has gone and my chest is a bit achy – I have overdone it again today, so perhaps an early night tonight!