I’m feeling a bit worried.

I don’t like it when my penis touches me.

That feeling is very similar – no! Identical! To some of the ways I felt about my testicles.

This is bad.

And confusing.

Because I thought those feelings were gone for good; and to start with they seemed to be. In fact, I liked having my penis touch certain areas it had never touched before, but now that is often feeling uncomfortable – not all the time, but often – which is the way it was with my balls.

The thing is, I often like erections. I think.

But I’m also aware that I’ve never been that keen on people touching my cock. I always put that down to being very sensitive and ejaculating easily – which in the past would mean “game over” for any sex I was involved in.

My relationship with pleasure has never been simple. Several years ago, I learnt that I actually didn’t like to “play with myself” during sex. And then something changed: I found that I didn’t care if I came or not – in fact, there was something wonderful on getting the whole orgasm thing out of the way so that I could concentrate on the sex that I actually enjoyed.

When I first told my husband about my dysphoria, he was alarmed and asked “what if it doesn’t stop with your balls?” At the time I was convinced that was all I needed.

With his anxiety the way it is, that’s something else that I cannot talk to him about.

I shared these feelings with a eunuch friend. He asked why I hadn’t shared them with him before, since he’d expressed a similar sentiment. I said that I was afraid of these feelings, and that I thought that he was wanting to do away with his penis because of relationship troubles. I really need to learn to listen more – the simple fact is that I didn’t tell him because I was afraid of what it meant.

It’s just as well that I’m seeing Richard, my counsellor once a fortnight. I think I know the subject of our next session.

---

As I think about, and fret about, this reappearance of this horrible feeling about my body, I am reminded of a key factor in the strength of the dysphoria last time: stress and anxiety! The more emotionally stressed and anxious I became, the greater to urge to punish my testicles and the greater the desire to have them removed.

I wonder whether my penis always formed part of the dysphoria, but it wasn’t as intense as the testicles because that touched them rather than touching me directly.

I can only hope that it returns to manageable levels once my husband moves out.

Until then, I’ll keep breathing, keep writing, and keep talking to Richard.