So my husband has a date on which he’ll be able to pick up the keys to his flat. There is some paperwork that will need to be done: deposits paid, direct debits setup, and contracts to be signed. He’s asked for my help with doing those jobs.

These are things that I can do to help – that’s a good feeling being able to do things that help him after there being so much that I cannot easily do (ie emotional shit).

This feels …

…

… sad …

… exciting …

… like failure – my failure …

… anxious!

A horrible feeling of anxiety is taking over my body. I can hardly breathe.

It has taken me three days to realise all these emotions that are plaguing me.

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As I reflect on that and thinking of my husband – he never used to be very demonstrative of affection: it was rare for him to offer affection in that way, much less seek, hugs and kisses for himself.

I can feel that I want to respond: physical expression of affection is my primary language, but I hesitate – why is that?

More thinking is required…