My husband knows that I keep a blog of eunuch life – and my life. Sometimes, he expresses upset that people get to know things about me that he doesn’t know.

I find it so difficult to share things with him. Years ago I said “why do you have to have feelings about everything?” That’s become a sore point now as it’s taken to mean that he shouldn’t have feelings. I understand what I meant now: he has feelings about things I share and then it becomes about him and his feelings and what I’ve shared and it’s meaning for me gets lost.

And I cannot do conflict. I react very badly to the slightest pushback sometimes or questioning, which is from a place of fear that I cannot explain myself adequately. It makes it very difficult for my husband to ask this to find out more information or find out how I’m feeling. I’m always on the defensive with him.

I have sent him the occasional link to the blog for him to read something specific. I try not to think about him reading more of it than I share – I don’t want that to inhibit me; the diary pieces are primarily for my own benefit and help me think and pin down my emotions.

And, whilst I am more aware than I used to be that people do read what I write, I continue to write as though the only person who is going to read this is me, so that what gets written is the truth as I see it (I am aware that there are other perspectives and other memories of events and that sometimes my recollections mat not match what another might remember). However, in this space where I pretend there are readers, I tell my own truth.

Yesterday, when I came home from work, I could see that my husband was upset. I asked if he’d like to talk about it, but since I had a piano lesson shortly, he demurred. This was to be my last piano lesson for a while – the separation is stressing the bank accounts – and me – and I do not know how much free cash I’m going to have afterwards … or whether I’m going to completely broke.

When I got back, I asked him what had upset him.

He had found and read some of my most recent blog entries; a few things had really stuck with him and upset him.

In my blog, I’d written:

He is a new type of friend – somebody physically like me, not a boyfriend or even a Dom, but in different kind of zone. Within that space, I love him very deeply.

He had copied it out and read something like this to me:

He is a new type of friend – somebody physically like me, a boyfriend or even a Dom, but in different kind of zone. Within that space, I love him very deeply.

See if you can spot the difference.

However, as he read it I could see the pain it caused – and I sensed that even without that little copy-error that this was something he would feel upset about. He kept repeating “within that space, I love him very deeply”.

If I had written the post with the idea that my husband would read it in mind, it would not have been so effusive.

I found myself thinking about it some more. I do have a deep affection for Cicero, but I am also very grateful to him. Is it possible that gratitude and love/affection are emotions that I confuse? I don’t know. I guess that’s not important right now.

He was also upset about us comparing our scars. He’d imagined a scenario where we did, and then he found that it was real. He was also upset that we sat around naked watching Star Trek.

I am wondering whether it’s the naked thing, or the fact that I was so utterly relaxed?

Finally, he was upset by my tongue in cheek “Muscle Santa” post.

Today’s migraine is off the scale, and this one is my fault.