It is too late for any of this to make any difference, but my husband had asked me several times and the last was in our final counselling session together “what did I need him for?”

He used to ask me what I needed him for. I never had the right words at the time – mostly because those kinds of questions turn my brain to glue. But now, with everything done and dust settling, I think I finally do.

I’ve had a go at listing some of the things that I’ve needed him for. Some are romantic, some are grimly practical, but they are needs nevertheless. I have only considered the needs he met, sometimes at a cost to himself. Those that were out of his reach I have not included. Perhaps those weren’t needs after all.

Practical

He’s good at electrical stuff, from wiring in new sockets to hanging light fittings. He terrifies me when he does it, because he’s not always as safe as I would like – he’s had a few electrical shocks. I don’t know enough to do electrical things and that makes anything to do with electricity more than a little scary for me.

He’s good at plumbing. This I feel a little more comfortable with attempting myself, but I have neither his knowledge, experience, nor confidence with it. He just knows what needs doing and works it out.

I can hang wallpaper, paint walls, and even put up shelves. I’m quite good at woodwork, when I put my mind to it. However, he has a lot of knowledge and experience with home improvements and decorating, and I will often ask his opinion if I’m doing something. Most often, I’ll leave it to him to do because he does it so much better and with more confidence. The work he does is so much more professional.

Experiential

We have both pushed each other to try new things. I’m more adventurous with food, and will cook things that I’m curious about and I want to try. Which encourages him to maybe try something different. It doesn’t always work. I would be far less experimental with my cooking if he wasn’t around to inflict it upon.

We have seen more musicals and films together than I could ever hope to remember. It’s not true to say that I wouldn’t go to the cinema or theatre in my own, but having somebody to share the experience with us solid gold. There’s a kind of magic in sharing an experience – without someone to turn to and say ‘wasn’t that amazing?’, something essential gets lost.

Adventure! Without him I would never have overcome some of my deep fears: we have had such adventure holidays! Trekking in the Himalayas, white-water in Slovenia, Canyoning in Turkey, standing at the door of Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro, and so many others. Without him, these things would not have happened.

Professional

He encouraged me to apply for my first ever programming job. Maybe I’d have gotten there eventually, but his encouragement was crucial to getting me into that first role. From time to time he has observed that I am unhappy at work and encourages me to talk to somebody, or sometimes too “consider my options”. I have a habit of being overly loyal and sticking with the familiar, even though it has become unhealthy for me.

He supported and encouraged me to pursue personal training, even though it wasn’t really very likely to work out and we had to borrow a little to pay for the course. He has never commented on the cost nor that it never went anywhere, other than enjoying the process for its own sake. I appreciate that.

Physical

I need him to give and receive touches, hugs, and cuddles with. These physical exchanges are essential to my self-expression and sense of wellbeing. They are a key way that I communicate, but are largely reserved only for those with whom I feel a deep bond.

There may be some aspects of my sexual being that my husband could not fulfil, but what he did do he did beautifully – I cannot imagine anyone knowing me and my body better, nor can I imagine anyone better at making my body respond. I do not expect that there could be another lover for me who would fit me so perfectly. He was attentive and responsive. His actions during sex made me feel loved.

Companionship connects with the experiential, yet I feel that it is it’s own thing. My nan used the phrase “companionable silence”, meaning the quiet between two people so comfortable they don’t need words. We have had that kind of of peaceful co-existence at times.

Emotional

Acceptance is meeting somebody where they are. He couldn’t always do this because I fell so far short of being able to meet his needs, but he tried. For a quarter of a century, he had thought of me as just a another gay guy like him, then I come out as a eunuch and non-binary, which threw all that to the wind and effectively asked him to be a little flexible with is sexuality. He tried, and those moments were beautiful to me.

Often, he notices changes in my mood before I do. These may be nothing more than a drop in how I am feeling, but sometimes they are migraines that I haven’t even noticed! I am in pain and I need somebody else to tell me!

There may have been many times that I felt emotionally and physically unsafe around my husband when he’s been ill, however, that doesn’t seem to translate to feeling unsafe when he’s not ill. I crave being held by him; there is nothing I like more than to lie on the sofa on top of him so that he can wrap his arms around me., or to lie with my head on his chest with an arm around my shoulder, and feel small and safe and utterly content.

I have said before, and I’ll say it again: having somebody to love – or care for – is a privilege not a right. I love and care for him very deeply. I love having him to love. And I love having him to care for – even if I often feel frustrated with my own limitations on being able to do a good job at it. At least I can run around and do useful things for him.

Completion

I am a very self-contained person, which can make it difficult for my husband to feel that he does anything for me.

I don’t know if love ever completes, really. Maybe it just layers – the practical, the physical, the emotional – until you look back and realise it was a castle –  magnificent and strong. Maybe I’ll never have the perfect answer to what I needed. But I know what I had. And I know it was love.