In the many years that we have been married, I have:

• Spent nights in hotels,
• Slept at the office,
• Slept in the car,
• Walked the streets until sunrise,
• Slept in a cupboard,
• Barricaded the bedroom door,

All because I felt physically and emotionally unsafe around my husband.

Why the fuck didn’t I mention any of that in counselling?

Because:

1. He’d already “mentioned” it to the counsellor in his 1-2-1 with her,
2. I didn’t want to get caught up in “but he did this to me first” kind of nonsense.

But I find myself wondering what he did tell her about his physical and mental abuse of me when he was ill? It never seemed to figure in her attitude towards me.

Then it occurs to me. I haven’t exactly suffered in silence: I always told him exactly what he’d done and how he’d hurt me. He doesn’t need to hear it again from me.

I wish that somehow the shit I’ve endured could be offset as credit against the shit I’ve caused!

Seems that life isn’t like that.