This isn’t a straightforward question. Answering it has potential consequences for my husband and for me – I have to separate the feelings I have about those consequences from the feelings I have regarding him. He has also said that he fears what I might say next as I no longer filter how I feel or what I think nearly as much as I used to. He has also said that he feels that he shouldn’t ask a question unless he’s prepared for the answer – I feel that I have to take him at his word and that he’s ready for however I answer his question!

All of those thoughts fill me with anxiety when I consider this question.

He is a very good looking guy – he always has been. He is older, and perhaps his painful life shows more in his face than ever before, but he still has beautiful, sexy, naughty eyes. He has changed a lot physically: his beautiful hairy chest has been waxed away and I miss it. He has lost a lot of weight and I see him as painfully skinny now. I miss the heavier him. Skinny or heavier, hairy or smooth, he’s still a handsome man.

The thing is, sex doesn’t happen in a vacuum: it’s built on emotional safety, connection, and trust – and those foundations have been shaken, albeit by me initially, but also by him in his reactions to everything that has happened to me these last few years. He is hurt and angry, and that manifests in a sense that he is unapproachable, I feel a kind of push-pull with him: some of his words feel like there is a longing or yearning for me, a lot of his other words, being angry and heated, are repelling and push me away.

I can acknowledge that I do find him attractive, but that feeling sexual is difficult right now, not because of him, but because of everything that’s been going on between us both.

To him, this is a simple yes or no question, but to me it is full of unknowns and peril. The unknows are my own feelings because they take time and thought to discover, the perils are his feelings and reactions. I have to feel alright taking as long as I need to answer his question honestly and kindly. I love him: I don’t want to hurt him by being inconsiderate in how I answer him. It could simply be the way I phrase any answer I give him, even if its a holding answer, that might make the difference between causing him pain and giving him relief.

This isn’t just a question about desire, it has become entangled with questions of worth, connection, and emotional survival. No wonder it’s hard to know how to respond! Then there’s thoughts about the overall significance of the question – is this about more than just sexual attraction? Is this caught up in feelings of being needed (or not)? “If Jay doesn’t need me for sex, what does he need me for?” – as though desire is his evidence that he matters to me, or plays an irreplaceable role in my life.

Maybe saying something like this will show him the love that I have for him and my hope that we can reconnect emotionally and physically in the future:

Right now, my mind’s been so full of everything we’re working through that I’ve not really been in a place to feel sexual, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you or find you beautiful. I’d like us to get to a place where we can feel close again, including physically – but it’s going to take us both feeling safe, relaxed, and open with each other.

I know you’ve said you don’t feel needed by me, and that breaks my heart, because I do need you – just maybe not in the ways you’ve expected. I need your gentleness, your laughter, your creativity, your presence. I need you to be okay, and I need to feel safe enough to meet you in that tender space again. I hope we can build something that brings that back in time.