We’d agreed on the date that we’d next have a heavy talk together, which I appreciated. I do get anxious leading into these talks, but it seems to be more manageable at the time than if a deep conversation is sprung on me.

The husband suggested going out for a drive, so off to the lovely town of Romsey for coffee and cake. It’s only about ten or twenty minutes from our home.

I asked whether he had anything that he wanted to bring up. He couldn’t remember what we’d talked about last time, so I suggested that I tell him my musings on the question “Would I let him go if we could still be friends?” that he asked me a couple of weeks ago in couples therapy.

I summarised each thing that I’d considered, because he wanted to understand my thinking as well as my final answer. He seemed more upset by what I said than I expected.

There are a few things we need to consider as a couple regarding my own ability to fulfil his needs (when he finally communicates them in a way I can understand and work with):

• What needs of his can I easily satisfy?
• What can I satisfy with some effort
• What are really beyond me?

At the moment, these are open questions that I feel are unanswerable until I get more information from him.

I was more than a little shocked that he is thinking of just walking away with nothing if we separate and to make an absolutely clean break. I had assumed (and I would want) that he would want to take his half of everything. This makes me feel very upset because I want to be fair – I still love him and the only reason to separate is that he can be happier and more fulfilled without me than with me – and I would worry that he won’t have enough to get set up and live.

He said that in order for him to live an independent life that he would need to divorce me. He said that given everything that has happened he has the grounds: I’m not the man he married, which is true. Indeed, he says that he doesn’t feel like he’s married any more. I do, (hence I use terms like “my/the husband” or “hubby”).

But we remain just two people who love each other.

He said that I would have to ask him to leave – effectively throw him out. That makes me feel sick because I would never want him to be destitute and homeless.

We both felt anxious during this conversation in the coffee shop. I think that being out of the house, on neutral territory, helped a little – although the noise of the coffee machines was deafening at times.

I notice that when he is anxious, he shakes. When I am anxious, I get migraines and ringing in the ears.

As I am writing this I think “SHIIIT”!

The question wasn’t “would I let him go if we could still be friends?” but was “if there was a way we could still be friends, would it make letting go easier?“. I answered it as it was aked (“if there was a way we could still be friends, would it make letting go easier?“), but when I repeated the question to him, I think that I said “would I let him go if we could still be friends?” I hope that I didn’t because that would really upset him and is not what I meant!