Last week, I got myself into a bit of trouble with the husband for forgetting things, which led me to reflect on how I could change my behaviour to do better. Out of that bit of reflection, I came up with this list of practical changes that I could make that should improve my chances of continuing the engagement across multiple conversations:

• Always write it down afterwards.
• Check in with him on what he specifically wants me to consider.
• Recap with him what he’s said.
• Schedule the next conversation.

I was surprised when my husband said that he felt controlled by what I was saying; I promised to think on that and bring it back to him on Tuesday (ie tomorrow).

Initially, I was stumped: these things were about me and my behaviour, rather than about him and him changing anything about his behaviour. What could the problem be?

I came up with a few things that I might discuss further with hubby about this:

The structure itself – my husband tends to communicate more fluidly and emotionally than I do, therefore maybe he feels like my structured approach adds a formality that he doesn’t expect in personal conversations. Even though it’s for my benefit, he might feel like it changes the dynamic in ways that are uncomfortable for him.

Feeling managed – even though I’m not imposing these steps on him, he might subconsciously be feeling like he’s being put into a system or a process, which could make him feel like he’s not in control of his own expressions.

A perceived power imbalance – maybe he feels like I’m saying that my method is the only way conversations move forward, he might be worrying that his natural way of expressing himself isn’t enough on its own – I have been guilty of telling him one way or another that he’s not “good enough” in the past. Even though I’m just trying to make sure that I absorb and process things properly, he might be seeing it as me taking charge of how discussions happen.

The idea of ‘scheduling’ conversations – some people associate scheduled conversations with work and business settings, and he has said that he is concerned that this will be less much less organic and natural to him. His feedback in the conversation was that he would prefer to let things flow and revisit topics when they arise rather than setting a specific time, however he also said on another occasion that he would himself prefer to have “notice” of conversations so that he has time to get his head into the right space.

His own past experiences – he’s had people try to control or manage him in the past (including me), and could be reacting to that history rather than what I’m actually doing right now. Perhaps it’s touching on an old wound without him realising it.

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Hopefully tonight we will be able to talk about this. I do have some concerns for myself because I’ve had a couple of days of migraine and that will make this more difficult for me. The husband has also suffered with headaches and anxiety these last few days, so it’s possible that he won’t feel up to it.