Last night, I had my introductory session with the couples counsellor. Next week the husband will have his single introductory session, then a week after that we’ll go together.

As soon as I entered, I plonked myself on the floor.

She observed that I liked sitting on the floor.

“I’ve learnt that it helps me to stay grounded,” I said. She understood.

Brain dump

It felt like a bit of a brain dump—covering fragments of our past and focusing on the last two years.

I focused on my own experiences and left out details about my husband’s illnesses and how they’ve played out; my telling of my life jumped about quite a bit.

The darkness

I covered the Dark Fantasies, the castration desire, through to the surgery and the incredible feeling of peace that brought me. I covered the overdose where I tried to band my balls to death. I described how my husband tried to help but only touched on his difficulties in as much as they made my struggles worse.

A little coming out

She wasn’t perturbed in the slightest that I’m a eunuch. It was something I needed to get out of the way. It’s a core part of my identity, but it doesn’t need to figure big in the therapy.

I told her how hard my husband has tried to show me love and acceptance – the non-binary necklace that I never take off and the “assume nothing” t-shirt.

This was a non-event for the therapist, which was reassuring.

A time of peace

I described the summer in the flat, although only briefly. I realised that I’d experienced time on my own and was prepared to give that quiet safety up for our marriage: I know what it is that in giving up, so I have some idea of what the marriage is worth to me.

Communication difficulties

I talked about my communication difficulties, and said that I had an ASD referral. I think she understood my needs and was thinking about how that would impact our relationship and the way the therapy unfolds.

I told her about the shutdowns and how debilitating they can be, but also the mini-meltdowns where I get angry when challenged or my negative reaction to be ideas. Rigid thinking describes my difficulty adapting to new ideas.

She also explored a little about my upbringing, especially around my dad. His unpredictable anger and the whole family’s difficulty with dealing with “difficult “negative” emotions.

I told her how the hubby had tried to accommodate my communication needs, and how frustrating he can find that.

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”

Problem solving

My brain likes to solve problems. I told her about the recent conversations and the solutions that my brain eventually found

“Of course, sometimes people don’t want answers – they don’t want or need fixing,” she said.

I said that my brain isn’t always looking for a fix, but it does want to know what is expected of it.

I explained how I’ve been learning to respond differently when my husband talks to me. I’m not fixing him, but I am addressing a behavioural problem that’s been identified.

Anger, assertiveness, and aggression

I explained that key emotions that I struggle to identify and separate are anger, assertiveness, and aggression. They all register in my body as a physical assault.

She wasn’t surprised, given that is described my dad as having unpredictable anger.

The need to be selfish

She said that my husband and I need to be selfish in our expression of our needs in order to really understand whether there is a future together.

“What do you want for yourself?” she asked.

“That’s difficult to answer without referring to the husband,” I replied.

She insisted though that I focus on what I want.

Peace, happiness, fulfilment.

Then I said that I also want those things for my husband.

We may need to face that we cannot stay together—or radically rethink our relationship.

I said that I felt that is be able to say anything that came into my mind, however she discouraged me there, saying that I might be better to journal and think and then report on things when they are more solid and better thought through.

Time’s up!

I find that I am looking forward to our first session as a couple!