The card

My husband gave me a card this morning; despite all our difficulties, isn’t he just the sweetest?

Remembering that day

I re-read my blog for the day off my surgery. It’s quite emotional for me to read it. There are a few typos, which I have to forgive myself for (I still make them – partly thanks to autocorrect, but also because I write very fast).

If you’re in the UK (or to the east thereof), the date on the post for the day of my surgery will read “6th February” rather than the “5th” thanks to the UK being eight hours ahead of Mexico.

It confused me until I realised!

It takes balls to be a be a eunuch

I’m struck by the peace I felt then – and that I still feel about that day and my bodily configuration now.

In some ways, it was quite a small change, however it radically altered the way I could see myself.

Even being a little tubbier than I was back before the surgery, I am still so much happier to be naked!

Some things I’d forgotten, such as the pain of needing to pee bit bit having the muscular control too make it happen! I think that I was actually a little afraid because the pain was so intense and I didn’t immediately realise what it was.

The tickling sensations I remembered, but my memory has them only in the cleanup after the surgery.

That was one of the happiest days of my life.

The tattoo

I was (of course) early to the tattooist’s. There were only the two girls there, one of them being my artist. I’d checked out her work already and really like what she did and it suited the style of tattoo that I was going for.

My artist was Ellie Bee at Little Berry. She was so sweet and we had a lovely afternoon together.

I spelled out the name of my tattoo – E U N I C H O R N – and explained the significance. Especially of the colours chosen. She’d initially thought to change them (to be honest, I’m not the biggest fan of the non-binary colours, but they do mean something). Once she knew, she made them work really well.

It was a painless and fun afternoon! We listened to some mellow music that was pleasant, but I wasn’t familiar with, but after I listed some of the tracks on my “Music to make me smile” playlist, she jumped on Dolly Parton and we listened to her distinctive tones for the rest of the afternoon.

She recommended Palmers Cocoa Butter rather than Bepanthen to help out heal. She also provided me with an absorbent pad because colours tend to leak more than blacks.

To top it off, she gave me a lollipop!

A meal

Before seeing the next counsellor, we went for a bite to eat at a Portuguese/Brazilian restaurant. We had been there before, but last time it was too noisy for us and neither of us could hear the other – although the food was good.

We talked about how nice it has been watching a bit of the same telly together, especially Silent Witness and The Traitors.

We talked a little about how difficult it is to connect with somebody via phone or Zoom (although video is better than just voice).

We also decided that last night’s counsellor just want right: she didn’t seem to have to right level of experience for us.

We didn’t talk about anything too heavy.

Counsellor #4

The moment this counsellor opened the door I felt an attraction towards her – she felt warm and energetic.

She was engaging and appeared to be capable of being directive with us both.

She also had simply oodles of experience worth couples off all gender configurations (straight, gay, trans, polyamorous, and the whole universe of gender and sexuality). This was a massive tick for both of us.

As we left, my husband said that she was the one he was waiting for.

I felt the same.

Actually, I was so for phoning her straight away as we left the building to ask her to be our therapist, but we have agreed to sleep on it.

Reflecting on the year

It wasn’t until after my surgery that I fully came to settle on a more gender-neutral identity; semi-masc I have sometimes used.

Leading up to the operation, I was beginning to blog. From a few days before my operation, I started blogging every day. There are over 400 posts. I wonder whether I should continue blogging every day?

I’ve got involved in the genitally diverse community, which is fragmented and has a tragic number of warring factions.

I discovered that I am neurodivergent, and probably autistic. I’d never have been able to get that understanding, if I hadn’t first hadn’t accepted myself and become curious about who I was – after fifty years of living I found all my assumptions about who I was were wrong! And what a fabulous world of possibilities that has opened up!

Possibly linked to autism (since autistics often experience emotions differently from allistics), I realised that I feel jealously differently from others, leading me to wonder whether (given the chance) I could be polyamorous.

I really worked out what I wanted in respect of my kinks – the scariest ones it seems were linked to my need to be emasculated, and so seem to have declined. I’m a happy puppy into rope bondage and a little bit of pain and humiliation – but not tonnes! It’s gotta be fun!

I’ve also built our community a wiki where I have placed everything that I’ve learnt over this last year; it’s been added to and supplemented by others to  cover things that I haven’t experienced myself.