After my morning run and my regular phone call to my dad (he has a lot of friends, but he doesn’t seem to like any of them), I said to hubby that we might talk later, if he felt like it.

Coffee

We headed out for a coffee at Costa (his favourite coffee brand), going to a different shop because we didn’t want to be disturbed by people stopping for a chat.

I started by sharing what I’d talked to Richard about on Friday. I wanted to let him know that I had been seriously thinking about it and what I hoped to alert the counsellor to.

What I want from couples therapy

• I think that we need to both accept where we are now before we can change, and we need to change because neither of us are happy and fulfilled.
• We need to agree the rules of engagement regarding conversation, and the rules of disengagement (how we defuse the situation).
• Communication is the most difficult thing in our marriage, so I reckon that I need to highlight that as a problem to overcome.

Things I need the counsellor to be aware of

• Processing time – I sometimes need extra time to process emotions and thoughts before I can respond. I may not always have an answer immediately.
• Communication style – I find it easier to express myself in writing and may need time to put my thoughts into words when speaking.
• Emotional overwhelm – I can become overwhelmed by strong emotions, which might cause me to shutdown. A structured, calm environment helps me stay engaged. In the past, my silence when I was overwhelmed was taken as lack of participation rather than what it was, I now know what this is.
• Balanced participation – It’s important to me that I have space to articulate my thoughts and feelings during sessions.
• Trust in the process – I’ve had difficulty trusting counsellors in the past, but I want to be open to this process and find ways to make it work.

Husband’s response

He was a bit anxious that I was going to hijack the session and was laying down my own agenda. I was able to reassure him that I was sharing this with him so that he knew where I was at; I explained that I wanted this counselling to be a success and I’ve learnt so much shit myself that I reckon it stands a decent chance now.

I felt, for the first time, that he actually got it – why working from a place where I accept my ASD and work with it rather than fighting it.

That was enormously reassuring to me.

Hubby suggested that we see about having a private session each with our selected counsellor before coming together. I liked that idea.

Next week we’ll be “interviewing” prospective counsellors. It’s going to be a draining time!

Sharing the ending

I shared the doodle I’d created with my counsellor in my final session with my husband. It prompted a really interesting conversation and again I felt like he got where I was coming from.

He was sad for himself though, because he’d always wanted to work with a Gestalt counsellor, and whilst so many have that on their profile, it seems that very few actually practise it.

After today’s conversations I stared to feel closer to my husband.

I said “how about we go home?”

On the drive he asked for clarification as to what that meant. I said that I hoped we’d go to bed and get intimate, which was what he thought. It seems that he likes to be sure of what I am saying as well.

However, this felt a bit awkward in bed, so we cuddled and then he talked. He sounded very low because he’d wanted something to happen, but it hadn’t.

I tried to be reassuring; whilst I was sexually frustrated (three days of increased testosterone had made me horny as hell – I do miss the not horny feeling sometimes).

I just loved the cuddle and have missed it – and him – so very much.