It feels like it’s been a rubbish old week. Saturday and Wednesday I tried to open conversation up and ended up getting shouted down both times.

I suppose there was a highlight of a snuggle on Sunday, but even with that in mind my mood really dropped since Wednesday.

I’m left wondering “why are we together?” and “why did I not just get the house done quickly and cheaply after our flood so we could do our own thing?”

I feel bad thinking such things because my husband is working so hard to make the house nice for us; he wasn’t sure himself why he was doing it to begin with. He didn’t believe that it was for us either.

I’m also wondering whether I did the right thing dropping my antidepressants when I was ill. I was on 10mg of vortioxetine, I went down to 5mg.

Well, I have counselling shortly, so I can have a good moan then.

Counselling

Recap

As usual, I started with a recount of the week’s events. Being shouted down twice figured high in the history.

The rules around shouting are one-side: he can raise his voice. I cannot. Somehow I need to get the message across that this equals emotional intensity and is likely to result in overwhelm if I cannot get breaks to decompress or the intensity isn’t within manageable levels.

Emotional waves

There are two things that can lead to shutdown: intensity and frequency.

Intensity is the amplitude (volume in sound terms, or brightness in light) of what is being expressed.

Intensity is therefore one measure of the energy in an expression of emotion.

Frequency is like the pitch of sound (high pitch equals high frequency), or the colour of light (blue is high-energy, red is low-energy light).

Frequency is therefore also a measure of emotional energy.

And each type of emotion has it’s own energy, some emotions are more likely to trigger a shutdown than others. Humour really isn’t going to cause a meltdown, anger probably.

Too much emotional energy can therefore cause a shutdown.

Feeling trapped

I told Richard that towards the end of the “conversation” on Wednesday, that my husband had taken hold of my hand. Richard was shocked by that: he said “that must have felt quite restrictive”, and until he said I didn’t realise that was exactly how I felt: trapped.

I had already gone pre-verbal and could barely move. I could manage monosyllables with an effort.

I felt pinned in place and even more unsafe: it was strongly reminiscent of times long ago where I had been trapped and then abused.

Pointless and beaten

The conversations this week have left me feeling beaten and that my efforts at communicating and explaining what works were utterly pointless.

Flooring

While I was talking to Richard, I again said that I like to sit on the floor, especially while I’m talking. My husband sits on the sofa (it would feel too claustrophobic for us both to sit on the sofa).

I feel safe and grounded on the floor. I can fidget as well, which helps keep me engaged.

Richard asked why hubby didn’t sit on the floor. Simple: he doesn’t like it.

Richard suggested asking husband to sit on the floor with me when we’re talking – if he’s uncomfortable, he might not go on for so long.

Hmm. I have nothing to lose by suggesting it to the husband!

Working the machine

I said to Richard that one of the things that I was hoping for was that my husband would develop an understanding of how my brain actually works and how to get the best out of it.

I know that my husband has many things that he needs me to hear. I want to hear them. But it’s not going to work if we continue to do what we’ve always done.

As my husband says, “nothing changes if nothing changes”!

Focus on solutions

My brain likes to find solutions to problems, and one such idea was to send a summary of the conversations that hubby and I have together (maybe without my thoughts in there – maybe with) to my husband.

Why is this a possible solution? Because my notes on what we talk about are always much richer and more detailed when I’ve not been overwhelmed, ergo, it makes sense to not get to that point.

Sexting and flirting

I don’t know why I mentioned this to Richard, but it was something in my mind.

My husband has, over the course of the last year, sent me the occasional sexy picture. I have really appreciated them, but I have yet to send him anything of the shirt myself … why is that?

As I talked it loud, I also thought…

I have rules based thoughts and my husband would (way, way back) make comments like he didn’t enjoy quickies much, or that he needs an emotional connection for sex, or things like “you seem distant”.

I formed rules around what was acceptable to my husband based on single things that he said. They might have been true at the time, or true within certain contexts, but were they actually rules?

For example, when my husband commented (during sex) that I seemed distant, perhaps that wasn’t actually a criticism, or even a dispassionate observation of fact, but actually an invite to talk about whatever was on my mind.

That feels like something to talk to hubby about!

Couples counselling

I need to bring this up with husband again. I need somebody to help facilitate conversions. I am ready for this now – I have never been ready before.

I believe that I can now set boundaries for how I need counselling to work. Note that I wrote need and not want it like.

I would say at the first counselling session that I have a strong belief that I am autistic and have significant and specific communication problems around the energy of emotions, the need for breaks, and the propensity to shutdown when things get too much.

I also have a sense that if my husband continues to be difficult and unaccepting and rolls his eyes and tuts when I say that, that one day – and possibly not to far away either – I will have enough.

I know what it’s wrong with me. I have a good idea of how to work with it rather than against it.

There is a lot to think about here.

Ending on a positive: Richard said that I am very open to learning and that is an enormously wonderful thing to feel about oneself.