Street food and chat

Last night, the husband and I walked to an Indian street food restaurant on the high street. I go there on my own of a lunchtime because I love street food.

Along the way we talked; I mentioned that an online friend had passed me a link to the Gender Dysphoria Bible website (https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en) and how useful they’d found it.

Hubby and I talked for quite a while on gender identity and gender expression. It was a really interesting conversation and without any sort of heat. Just to and fro of discussion.

The restaurant was quiet and we could sit anywhere. The waitress brought the menus. After staring at it for a while, hubby noticed that everything was vegetarian! I’d been there a few times on my own and it’s thought nothing of it. It confused the husband, since (usually) if a meal doesn’t include an element where an animal had died it doesn’t count as food. His eating habits are also very beige.

He found something to eat, fortunately.

We talked a bit about autism and how he has many elements of that neuro-divergence: especially around food!

It’s already been suggested that he might be ADHD, and the two sometimes go together. You never know. I suspect that a diagnosis of autism would be even more difficult for him because he already has a diagnosis of CPTSD.

Things gradually turned to the breakup of his family and the necessity of connection for identity. This got a bit sticky when he started talking about his father (who was also his abuser). I described him as a vile man, which irritated hubby because his father used shame to control him, which (I’m afraid) I also used to deflect from my own behaviours and to try to encourage my husband to stop those behaviours of his that hurt me.

On the walk back to the house, he said that he’d planned to talk to me about something else because something I’d said on another occasion had irritated him, but now wasn’t the time to bring it up … now my brain is in overdrive trying to work out what it was!

We watched the next Traitors episode together when we got back. I find that I’m a little upset that my husband has said that he didn’t like the autistic guy. I suppose I wanted my husband to say “I can see some of you in that fellow” and to like him. I suppose I feel that if he doesn’t like the guy on the Traitors with whom I can see that I share some traits, that perhaps I am not likeable either.

This was a good evening.

---

It took me ages to get off. For once my tummy wasn’t playing up. It was the comment that hubby had made on the walk home that there was something else he wanted to say that was stressing me out! Stupid head! Shut up!

---

Counselling

I went over the well and a number of things were talked about as a result.

Easy conversation

We talked about the rest and fun conversations my husband and I had had during the week, thinking about why they worked. Whilst they got a little “warm” at times, they didn’t get emotionally “hot”.

At no point did I feel threatened or overwhelmed.

They were also two way conversations, during which I was involved and contributing.

Discussing conversational style

I said that I needed to provide examples to my husband if his he has criticised my communication style. He needs examples before he can think about it.

Angry/irritated responses from me

Hubby says that my default response whenever he talks to me is to get angry, he says it’s like “how dare he question me?!”

I am not aware that’s how my response comes across. I suppose I’m not even aware that it’s how I’m feeling.

I need a moment to feel that emotion and let it roll over me, so that I can get to whatever other emotions are on the other side of it

However, without knowing that I’m feeling irritated or angry, that’s going to be difficult. I don’t think it’s fair to expect my husband to be the guardian of my emotions either, and have to say “that was an angry response”.

I suppose that he says that anyway, so rather than shutting off because I don’t know how to respond, I need to ask for a minute to reflect on what’s behind that immediate reaction.

That’s something to talk to my husband about.

Filters and boundaries

This was what we were going to talk about originally, but the week’s events kind of got in the way.

We started by talking about the lack of funny filter, the kind of thing that comes out of my mouth when I’m hyper-stimulated.

That got me thinking about it how it was in Nepal and how is completely obscured my husband by monopolising every conversation. When I’m excited, I gabble and there is no filter. Nepal also had a lot of space to recharge my batteries as I stood drinking in the scenery.

Regarding the funny stuff that comes out of my mouth, Richard suggested that perhaps I try to stick to “nudge-nudge wink-wink” or “as the bishop said to the actress” kind of thing.

If that doesn’t work, then an immediate apology and recognition might also get me out of hot water.

We never got onto dissecting why I tell people how my relationship works! (Eg Mr Flooring Guy).

Two way conversations

For anything to be called a conversation, at least two people need to be involved. I’ve sometimes been left wondering whether I’m actually needed for these “conversations” because there doesn’t seem to be space for me to get involved – at least the pace of the talking is faster than I can process and respond in!

Which goes back to the problems with our different conversational needs and styles.

He didn’t have to do so much experimenting if he didn’t want to

Richard pointed out that hubby actually didn’t need to experiment with as much as he did in the sauna. Apparently, hubby also visited a sauna in Manchester while he was there, but we never talked about what happened.

Richard said that hubby could have just sat in the steam room and watched other guys playing: he didn’t have to join in himself … and then say that he only did it to please me.

When the logical brain switches off

The message I need to get across to my husband, that once my primitive emotional brain takes over and turns off the logical brain, that I am not going to remember anything and I am already on a pathway to shutdown.

Working towards an ending

I also said that we need to work towards ending counselling so that my husband and I can focus on couples counselling. The thought of not seeing Richard every week makes me want to cry. I have got and continue to get so much from our time together.