It was lovely to see Richard and his unreserved enthusiasm for the first time this year.

Christmas

Of course, I started with a review of Christmas, which aside from feeling a little poorly, was perfectly peaceful and lovely. I reflected on the golden Christmases of my childhood and how strange it is that I now seem to end up waiting until the evening before exchanging gifts.

When I was a child, I would be awake at 2 or 3am to investigate what was in my stocking, which mum put on our beds to give her a little more sleep before we started plaguing her to go down stairs for the Main Event.

I reflected that even as an adult, when my husband hasn’t been well, I have still observed Christmas and had a smaller, but nevertheless joyous day. We’d do Christmas proper whenever he felt better.

Verbal assaults

I talked for a while about how conversations with my husband would so often result in shutdown in the past – especially before I learnt about ASD. I understand how frustrated he must have felt, saying the same thing time and again with me never answering him nor coming back to him on a subject.

He had tried to adapt by asking me to think and get back to him. However, what I was too ashamed to admit and he wouldn’t know, was that when I shutdown I cannot remember what was said. These days I think he knows that and can sometimes see better than I can that I have checked out of a conversation already. Although, if I am on any level of shutdown, then it is already too late.

So he’d end up saying the same thing time and again, and I would wonder whether I was needed for the conversation because he really wouldn’t seem to pause for breath. But why should he, if I’m not saying anything?

How to disagree

I struggle to know how to say “I hear what you say, but I don’t agree”. I mean, I have just written words there, but actually being able to say that in a conversation, or know whether that is the right sentence to use, I do not know.

I often only know how I feel about something afterwards, when I have stopped reeling from the verbal onslaught.

Again, if I get overwhelmed, then I may well have feelings, but I won’t know why!

My husband seems to say that if I argue back, then I’m not listening. So I say nothing while he’s talking and I’ll probably say nothing when he’s done.

I need to get my head around this better: we can’t fix anything if I’m not engaging in conversations.

The trick seems to be keeping them in short, and not too intense, bursts, with plenty of breaks and thinking time away from the action.

Double standards?

Husband had complained a lot over the last year or so about my decision to have my testicles removed. He felt excluded from the conversation.

He’s still smarting because it’s become apparent that I don’t think that he has a claim in my body nor I on his. And neither do I experience jealousy like him.

I said to Richard that he’d waxed his chest hair away over so many years that it will no longer grow back. Yet, it was something that I find incredibly sexy about him.

I complained at him and wasn’t very gracious … but he said that it was his body and he could do with it as he liked (or words to that effect).

I didn’t feel like it would be good for me actually point that out to the husband because it would hardly act to de-escalate a situation.

Richard thought that it might even the playing field.

Thinking of couples counselling

Richard asked about couples counselling. I said that hubby was still doubting that it would “work” because of his previous sessions had gone and the feelings that I expressed about them (eg feeling ganged up on and only going to placate him).

I said that if told my husband that I was in a very different place now and that I had a much better understanding of myself – for example I would tell the counsellor of my sense of being ganged up on, that I self-realised as autistic and that meant that I was now aware of my communication difficulties and had a better idea of how to manage them.

Fat and old

My husband used to complain that he was fat.i would just give him a flat denial; “of course you’re not fat” I’d say. From what I can understand from my husband, that wasn’t the right answer.

Richard asked what was.

I was stumped, because I don’t know. I think that hubby needed to talk about how he was feeling and have the emotions recognised and held.

He’s feeling old now. Simply denying it doesn’t feel to be what he needs … if I’ve learnt anything it’s that I need to ask him what he needs from sharing that with me.

Plan something nice together

Finally, Richard said that my husband and I need to plan a couple of nice things together. It should be possible to get one or two things in before the end of the month.

We need something to look forward to – and some reason to keep working on our relationship.