Unmasking Autism: Book Review (part 2)

Continued from Unmasking Autism: Book Review.

Chapter 3 – The anatomy of the mask

The first thing that strikes me from this chapter is that I do not remember struggling to switch context in high school. There was a printed timetable given to all pupils that told us which class was at what time and where. I didn’t struggle more than any other kid to get to class, although I would always be early. Neither did I struggle with the switching between subjects. The movement between rooms seemed to be enough time to switch. There were also breaks throughout the day; only ten minutes, but that was all I needed.

This isn’t how autistic children usually experience school.

I suppose that I was happy with the predictable timetable and knowing when everything was happening and for his long.

Psychiatrists and psychologists have always defined aAutism by how the disability impacts neuro-typical people. A more “severely” Autistic person is not necessarily a person so experiences more interior suffering, but rather someone who suffers in a more disruptive, annoying, or disturbing way.
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This is an important insight. If a neuro-divergent isn’t irritating to those around them, they won’t get referred for assessment. If they get referred for assessment, they may not get diagnosed by the neuro-typical gatekeepers because they don’t annoy the allistics sufficiently to be described as having any kind of life-limiting condition.

This is what worries me about my own referral. Just because my life has been difficult and I have struggled with several important relationships, I’m likely to be overlooked because I don’t have embarrassing meltdowns or stim in a way that brings the gears of this sounds me.

This chapter also describes “treatment” for children which sounds like gay conversation therapy: torturing the child until they learn the “correct” way to behave, irrespective of how painful it destructive the “treatment” is for the victim. This is known as “Applied Behaviour Analysis” (ABA), and in my opinion should be banned for the same reasons that trans- and gay conversation therapy should be banned: it is inhumane and unnecessary. These children are beautiful humans in their own right.

How I mask

Pretending I didn’t know answers to questions. I’ve learnt that answering questions in class would get me bullied. Answering questions when watching TV quizzes gets me accused of slowing off.
Keeping silent when people said things I knew weren’t true. I’ve learnt that people do not like to be corrected when something is factually wrong. I have to decide how important it is, and then I’ll decide to keep my mouth shut anyway.
Softening statements with phrases like “if that makes sense” or “maybe” to make myself sound less certain. I think everybody does this! Or maybe I’m just around a lot of neuro-divergent people!
Losing games to keep the other person interested and liking me. This one of my own. Early on I learnt that if I win games too much, or showed to much joy in winning, that people got annoyed with me. So if it’s a game that I’m good at, I’ll lose about half of all games to avoid irritating people.
Smiling all the time no matter how I’m feeling. I wear an inoffensive half-smile. It makes me look approachable – and people do approach me. And I don’t want them to! I don’t even know that I’m wearing this smile.
Solving problems by myself. I’m independent to a fault, fearing appearing incapable or needy. My husband sometimes doesn’t feel like I need him. I do, but I’ve grown so used to not relying on anybody that I forget or ask too afraid to appear vulnerable.
Not getting “too excited” about anything, including good things. This is a sad one because I really feel that this hides the best part of myself and stealing joy from my life and therefore from the lives of those who care about me.
Serving as a confidant for adults and authority figures. I was my mum’s confidant, but I was also Sam ear for other adults. I was trusted by teachers and people at the church and they thought of me as being very mature for my age.
Carrying myself in a restrained or “proper” way.
Acting like a “teachers pet” or “little professor” sand distancing myself from my peers. See above!
Pretending to be aloof or uncaring. Especially for those who would torment me. I was an aristocratic. I would cry alone.
Making sure that my life looks “put together” on paper, even at the expense of my health it happiness. Any casual observer would think that my life was sorted. Well, if they haven’t read my blog! My father’s family made appearance the most important thing – things had to seem normal. My grandfather was an alcoholic. My dad is … but we think that my dad is just likely ASD. What if his dad was and the effort that was going into seeming normal was just a kind of masking?
Not voicing my needs. I am learning through this process to say what I need. Previously, I would hide my needs and would feel the worse for it. I would feel angry that I wasn’t able to be myself, which I couldn’t really hide and those nearest to me would be at the recieving end – and my poor husband would catch it.
Feeling ashamed whenever I wanted to cry out express anger. I struggle to identify either of these feelings, and they scare me because I cannot control them. I feel a lot of shame for expressing them. Yet I have expressed these emotions, especially anger, and a lot of it would go in my husband’s direction – often unfairly so. I hope that satisfying my needs will make me a nicer person to be around. I do have to balance my needs so that it’s not all one way!
Fighting internally with every “disruptive” emotion I felt. Anger? Stuff it down. Fear? Hide it. Overwhelm? Shutdown.
Thinking of myself as superior to others. This was his I coped with those who bullied me. Cold and aloof.
Showing distaste for anything society considers feminine, soft, or tender. Which stopped me from realising my non-binary nature, which I didn’t understand and I couldn’t have explained to anybody. I was terrified of being mocked or rejected.
Studying what other people like in a systematic, analytical way. I do this so that I can better understand what they are feeling when they say things.
Imitating people or characters’ mannerisms, style, dress, tone of voice etc. Mr Spock and Commander Data from Star Trek. Not great role models, but they were in control of emotions and never overwhelmed.

Chapter 4 – the cost of masking

This chapter starts with a description of substance abuse and eating disorders to cope. My dad and my brother have both used alcohol and drugs. My husband is bulimic. I’ve never done any of those things.

There is then a table of other ways autistic people use to numb the edges of the world and cope, there are a few things that I could see in myself there (there were two sections on alcohol and drugs, and eating disorders that didn’t apply to me):

Detachment and Dissociation

Prevents rejection by disengaging first. Herein lives my greatest sins: hiding who I am and what I truly think, feel, and believe, to prevent rejection. This rejects those whom I am supposed to love rather than have them reject me. It’s been my biggest blocker to being true, honest, and authentic.
Blunts painful emotions such as grief, sorrow, and regret. Is this what it’s at the core of a shutdown? Is this why I can find it difficult to take responsibility for the hurtful things that I have said and done? By detaching from my paihful feelings about myself, I don’t have to tackle them.
Allows the autistic person to focus only on what they’re naturally “good”at. I often get accused of only doing those things I enjoy doing. Which is true. That almost sounds like normal behaviour; doesn’t everybody do that? I certainly don’t often enjoy the conversations that I have with my husband – they are difficult and painful, but I keep going back for more. I’ll confess: I wish we didn’t have to have them!
Removes the pressure to learn challenging emotional or social skills. I can do simple listening and know how to make it sound real and caring, and it is real and caring, but it takes an effort and thought to do.
Silences needs and emotions others find bothersome. I no longer know what these are anymore.

Adherence to Rigid Rules and Belief Systems

Makes confusing reality feel more understandable and concrete. I have been very guilty of having fixed ideas on morality and justice and can find differences in opinion very uncomfortable, that makes discussions difficult.
Translates vague social norms into specific expectations. I’m aware that I need to know what expectations are on me, how much time is reasonable to spend on my own thoughts and projects and what I should spend on others (eg my husband).
Provides daily structure and soothing rituals. I need to have a fairly rigid daily routine so that I know when thing ppls should happen and how much time to spend on them, effectively time-boxing my special interests so that they don’t take over my life (and my husband’s).
Soothes self-doubt and fears about being a “bad person”. Again, the fixed ideas of morality gave me strict ideas of right and wrong, but they don’t offer easy discussion and can make me prickly.

“Fawning” and Compulsive People-Pleasing

Earns the autistic person praise. And praise equals acceptance and safety.
Offers a false promise of acceptance. See above.
Simplifies complicated relationship dynamics. Except that it doesn’t really because nothing is real.
Flattens social rules into one easy rule: always say “yes”. This has particularly been the case with my family, but has also been the case with friends. It’s even been the case with my husband, however, if I say “yes” when I do not want to I am likely to feel resentful … and my husband would be the only person with whom I would inflict that particular poison.
Minimises conflict and reduces anger. This is an illusion, because those feelings exist and will out in the end. If I am dishonest about my discomfort and feelings I will end up feeling irritable and moody … again, my poor hubby is the usual recipient of that nastiness.

What non-Autistic film often don’t realise is that Autistic people expense intense sensory input as if it were physical pain.
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I find certain noises intensely annoying; things like drumming or throbbing, especially if it’s loud. I wouldn’t say that it’s painful as such. Well, maybe a little. Bright lights are painful and can give me a migraine.

The senses that I do struggle with and do feel almost physically painful aware emotional overload – that’s excessive data input whether that’s frequency or amplitude, if you get my drift (lots of emotional information or particularly intense emotions).

Masked autistics are frequently compulsive people-pleases. We present ourselves as cheery and friendly, or non-threatening and small.
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It was my friend, Tacitus, who described as a “mathmo”. By which he meant that I exhibited the same attributes as his mathematically gifted fellows from Cambridge university – they were generally cheery and enthusiastic, yet also ticking many of the boxes on the autistic checklist.

Yet it is true, I do have this sort of smile. It’s inoffensive and welcoming at the same time, and hides the “fuck off” feeling that I might actually have whenever somebody unknown – or I don’t care too talk to – approaches.

I am generally approachable and nice to people.

However, it is exhausting and not something I can keep up all the time … and my poor husband gets to see the me that exists when I cannot protect that image. That me is a lot less cheery and approachable!

This contrast between the public me and the private me can be upsetting for my husband.

There’s a little checklist on fawning in there book; I tick every item on that list.

To be sure, you don’t have to be autistic too be a fawning people-please, but with everything else it seems to fit the profile.

Chapter 5 – rethinking autism

Devon Price relates a story of an autistic man who “came out” to his friends as autistic. He’s been hiding his disability for years. Autism should be like being gay – it’s incidental, simultaneously important and irrelevant.

Rabbi Ruti Regan writes on the blog Real Social Skills, “non-compliance is a real social skill.” It’s only “bad” if you’re looking at it from the outside, from the perspective of someone who seeks to control our restrict.
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After a being a very difficult toddler, who threw horrific tantrums, I became a very compliant child, sand later a very compliant adult. I was unable to be assertive enough to say “no” when I need to and when it conflicted from what was expected of me.

This last eighteen months or so, I have learnt to embrace my rebel and enjoy being divergent and noncompliant! I respect those who stand up for what they believe in.

“Sensitivity”, despite being a sign of attentiveness and discernment, is frowned upon when you’re this at detecting things people would rather you not see.
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As a child, I was regarded as sensitive. I lost that at same point. I think it was used against me by bullies – they saw a weakness and attacked it.

However, whilst there are some aspects of that quote that I can relate to me, it really resonated with his I see – how I saw – my husband and some if the fear that I had of and fit him.

Firstly, his sensitivity left him open to being hurt (I only saw how others hurt him, not this I hurt him). He could detect hypocrisy and sub-contextual motivations in people, which scared them – scared me. When you’re hiding a big secret from everybody, including yourself, living with a human sniffer dog who could detect emotional undercurrents is a serious threat. One that I used all the tools at my disposal to disarm. This was profoundly damaging for him as I undermined his sense of the world by contradicting what this item senses were telling him. If you really want to drive somebody mad, convince them to distrust their own senses.

Reframing autistic stereotypes

This section has a table which “converts” negative perceptions of autism to positive ones. I’ve pulled out the ones that most reflected me here:

Arrogant => Confident, Principled, Independent=> it gets me strange up for what’s right, I can set a positive example to others
Cold & unfeeling=> Analytical, Rational, Thoughtful => I notice things others miss, I’m good at noticing connections and systems others can’t see
Annoying & loud => Enthusiastic, Alive, Outspoken => I recognise intense happiness and recognise beauty
Childish => Curious, Open-minded, Joyful => I’m great at learning and growing, I experience the full range of human emotion (eventually!), I take pleasure from the small things in life
Awkward => Authentic, Unique => my way of moving through the weekend is entirely my own, I don’t conform to unfair (or nonsensical) standards
Sensitive => Perceptive => I recognise mistreatment
Weird => Unconventional => I challenge old conventions and unfair rules, I’m the ultimate authority on his my life would be

There’s a lot to chew on in this book!

To be continued…