Overdose

I shared that I’d taken an overdose a year ago in an attempt to kill my testicles – or myself – a year ago (Major Lesson in taking care of my mental health and Reviewing an overdose).

I feel sad and needy about it. I don’t understand either of those feelings. I feel vulnerable today.

This whole period is full of emotional and difficult memories for me.

I have to make Christmas happen. I said that to Richard my counsellor and was almost crying when I said it. With the house in the state is in, that’s going to be difficult.

Couples therapy

We talked a little about couples counselling and that my husband had been suspicious of my motives. Richard was hesitant to “pull on that thread”, but I said that maybe if my husband and I started the process of looking, that we could look at his doubts afterwards.

I mentioned to Richard that in previous couples counselling that I’d felt ganged up on. He said that I should mention that to any new therapist. Also, regarding ASD that I should mention that and the key difficulties that I am likely to experience on therapy. If the counsellor knows about these things they can be aware of difficulties and how to tackle them.

I need to reopen this conversation with my husband.

Sex

I told Richard that my husband had made some kind of sexual advances over the last few months, but I have not responded to them;

• He’s mentioned edging a couple of times and I seem to have ignored it.
• He’s sent me a number of sexy photos of himself.
• I don’t feel interested in sex at the moment. I’m feeling quite low.
• Sex feels like such a difficult thing.
• I don’t feel warmth from my husband at the moment.

I think the last thing is the important one. I don’t much feel liked at the moment. I don’t feel desirable. The frequent difficult conversations are grinding me down.

I’m feeling low already, because of the time of year and the current marital difficulties.

Good times needed

Without having some good times, some times that make our relationship a fun place to be, it’s hard to feel sexual towards my husband.

Topping

We talked about my lack of desire to top; I will top my husband if he wants me to because it gives him pleasure. It would feel nice and I would enjoy it because I’m giving pleasure. However, it wouldn’t satisfy me – and that’s ok. What my husband doesn’t like about that is that it’s not my fantasy.

Back in the day

Way back at the start of our relationship, I did like to top occasionally, but my husband simply did not want to do that. He only liked to be the top himself. This was mostly fine by me, because all my sexual fantasies involve bottoming.

However, back in the day – and we’re going back twenty-five years or more here, neither of us knew about douches or how to clean down there. As a result, it sometime got a bit smelly, which was very embarrassing. Sometimes, it got very sore, and I needed it to stop.

When to much of a good thing is a bad thing

Too much penetration in a week would be very uncomfortable. My husband said that he had higher sex needs than me and if I didn’t put out, he’d have to look elsewhere. That’s when I told him that his sex drive was abnormal and that he could only feel love from sex because of his past. I don’t think either of us come out of that well.

Top pressure

As he got older, my husband started to feel more drawn to bottoming, and sometimes I would oblige him – and I’d enjoy it. Although it was usually a very short ride!

I felt disappointed that I didn’t last very long and a little embarrassed. One one occasion he did comment negatively, which further impacted on me. He was disappointed and unfulfilled.

What that does teach me is that topping is stressful. By expecting my husband to top all the time, I’m stopping his enjoyment of sex.

Toys

We talked about toys and play a little. Perhaps that is something we could introduce into our relationship.

We talked about putting things into hot water too warm them up for play. There’s nothing worse than trying to insert cold plastic where the sun don’t shine!

Word from the wise: do not microwave dildos.

Starting vanilla

Assuming we can get past the regular painful conversations, perhaps we could start with some vanilla sex. No hopes or expectations other than to be warm next to each other, cuddle and kiss.

Maybe we could bring some toys into the bedroom.

I mentioned the offer of an edging session and hoped that it would involve restraints. Richard thought that it should, how else was it going to work?

The key difficulties

I think the biggest – and perhaps simplest – obstacle to sexual intimacy with my husband is talking!

Oh no! More talking!

We need to talk about sex and explore it together.

That and have some uncomplicated good times together.