Last night, my husband and I picked up where we’d left off on Sunday, which itself was a continuation of the talk at the bad meal on Friday.

Absolutes

I observed that sometimes I take words and phrases literally, such as “you always…” and “you never…” I take to be absolute statements. They’re not, they are generalisations. It will help me to listen and understand if I can somehow keep that in mind.

It is clear that my husband just doesn’t buy into my ASD self-diagnosis. This might be a problem when I come to be assessed. I hope they either don’t need a third party, or that my brother will help.

Keeping it real

We talked more about what was real.

He was clearer over what he meant, and understanding that I needn’t take things literally helped.

That did make me feel a little bit better.

His comment that he knew “that I loved him in my own way” felt a little patronising, but I don’t think it was intended that way. At least he knows that in some way I love and care for him.

He was also able to recognise that there was much that was real.

Sharing

However, the problem was that I never shared anything if myself – none of my inner world and it’s secrets.

This is true. I mean, I couldn’t face this stuff myself, so I was never going to be able to share it with him, but he shared everything of himself with me.

I’m not going to beat myself up about it though, I’m just going to accept what he says and how he feels about it.

Holding the thoughts

I think that this is much more what he needed from me: to hold his thoughts and his feelings as something sacred, rather than attempt to change his mind about his feelings. My attempts to challenge his gut instincts were particularly damaging – a guy feeling is more than just a vague sense for some people, it’s an extension of their reality and a reliable way of interpreting the world.

I’m not often aware of gut feelings, so I find them hard to understand.

Touching sex

We only touched lightly on sex; this is somewhere we need to go back to.

Is a difficult subject because I refused to discuss anything to do with sex for years, feeling that any content was a criticism and directly attacked my inner being.

If course it wasn’t! He was just trying to make sex work for him, too.

Busy head

After we talked, I went upstairs and wrapped up his birthday presents. By the time I finished that, it was time for bed.

I perform “system tests” a few times a week and they are very enjoyable and quite productive, although never explosive.

They do leave me needing a pee. Several times through the night. I wonder whether eunuch goo is more alkaline than the goo of uncut men?

I struggled to get to sleep even after reading for thirty minutes. My head was busy with the evening’s conversation. I woke up multiple times in the night.

Bloody head! Sometimes it weighs be playing music at me as well as going over the entire days events!

However, I was up in time to go to the gym. I did circuits, but I felt a bit nauseous towards the end of the session; I wonder if I’m beginning to get into anaerobic exercise, as that can cause nausea and DOMS (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness).