Asking for me time

I am struggling to feel OK to do the things I need to do for me, and it shows in my scratchy mood and feeling restless and discontented with life.

The nurse had a simple suggestion: just go to bed early one night just to be quiet and read on my own and allow myself some downtime.

A nice bath on a Friday (like I used to have at the flat) would be wonderful, but I’m not at the flat and the house doesn’t have a bath either.

I do feel like getting completely off my face, however I do not like hangovers, so I shan’t do that!

Sensory preferences

I said that I have often found the TV too loud (it can actually hurt my ears), but my husband can’t actually hear it at a level that’s comfortable for me.

Whilst it’s ok to say the TV is too loud, I need to find another solution. Maybe, if we’re watching TV together and I am struggling, that I just pop my headphones on anyway – I don’t need to be listening to anything.

We talked about identifying other triggers (such as white lights), and how they can affect neuro-typical people as well. We also talked about soothing senses – for me it is texture – I love soft things to stroke (like fur) or things with knobbly or grooved textures.

It’s ok

The other night I asked my husband if he’d like to go away somewhere for his birthday. I was surprised when he said that he wanted to go to Newcastle – on his own. I need to tell him that’s OK, if that’s how he would like to spend his birthday, but I would like to spend some nice time celebrating with him – perhaps a meal or outing when he gets back.

Last year he was still reeling from my announcement that I was getting my balls chopped off – I had a lovely adventure lined up for him, but he was so not able to do it. I was disappointed that we couldn’t do it – maybe I’ll see about arranging it for another time.

Validating my responses

Sometimes I respond overly emotionally to things, mostly I’ll be logical or matter-of-fact. Matter-of-fact doesn’t mean I don’t things, just that’s not the reaction at that time – I may feel something and not be aware of it until later.

I have felt that my logical reaction to things is unwanted and inappropriate, especially since my husband is an emotional person and likes to see that in others. He can feel that I don’t care because I am matter-of-fact about an emotional subject.

I need to accept that however I respond is my response and work with that – and I need for him to accept that and not invalidate my response. Well, it feels like it is invalidated.

However, when I have had time to think about things and work out my feelings, my side of the contract is absolutely to resume the conversation and share how I feel about it. I think that’s something that my husband has repeatedly asked for that I have not done for him – for us.

Low mood

My mood of late has felt low. Sometimes, when one is feeling low, I find that I feel like I have felt that way for a long time, however reflection can show me that it hasn’t been that long.

I shared with the nurse that, if I still had my testicles, that I would be wanting to torture them to relive my stress and anxiety. I suppose, for that reason, I kinda miss them. Not enough to want them back!

I have had other thoughts of self-harm though. I’ve not shared that with anybody – the mental health nurse said that if she feels that there’s risk of suicide or self-harm that she has to refer me to the local mental health team – and I do not want that.

I don’t know whether I can share these feelings with my husband. I suppose I should: he would want to know.

After Christmas

I’m seeing the nurse again at the start of January. We said “Merry Christmas” and laughed. How quick this year has gone!