Tired before we start

Last night, I was later home from work having stopped on the way to pick up my husband’s medication. The traffic was also heavy.

I was really quite tired after a couple of night’s not sleeping well, however I asked him how he was feeling and whether he wanted to talk about anything, since he looked a bit down.

He said that we’d not spoken for a few weeks, and whilst he did acknowledge my headaches, that doesn’t seem to figure them as a mitigating factor. He then went on to say that we’d not talked much about the “hard stuff” since my surgery in February so we certainly can’t do light and easy stuff yet.

I felt as though I had to start a “deep” conversation, even though I was already weary.

Frustrated

I feel as though we have done nothing but talk about difficult stuff – every conversation we have feels like my historical behaviour or the trauma (for him) of the last year come up. We don’t get to talk about other things.

We might have been talking a lot about difficult stuff, but there have been no resolutions.

He said he feels less able to start conversations with me since I self-diagnosed as ASD. He has to arrange “appointments” (my counsellor asked “what’s wrong with that, if it works?”). He has to monitor for shutdowns – which I have already said is my job to do.

Remaining curious

He said that he was fed up of my default reaction being angry. This is something I recognise – especially when my routine is disrupted (or I am not allowed to have a routine). However, it is also the default response when I am challenged on anything (eg questionable behaviour). I try to hold that in check and refrain from responding until I have moved past that feeling – unless that is the feeling.

My husband said that I need to remain curious about where my anger comes from. I think that’s a very valid point – I don’t tend to explore it, I either wait for it to pass, suppress, or (when I am unconscious of it) let it come out in some hideous way. That in itself could be something to talk to about with him.

Trust is something given

We returned to the incident with the flooring-guy. Husband is still pissed at that and says that its a clear breach of the boundaries we agreed. I do not know how to disagree with him in such a way that says “I hear you, but I don’t agree”. Maybe it is as simple as saying that very sentence. He says that it was a breach of trust. I can disagree with whether the incident crossed a boundary, but trust is something given not taken, if he doesn’t trust me it is not something that I can either agree or disagree with.

My husband said that he’d “turned down guys” who he wanted to invite back to the house because “it didn’t feel right” and “wasn’t what we agreed”. I wasn’t aware that he’d turned people down. So much for full disclosure – I suppose he’s telling me now.

Tale with a twist

What was a surprise was when he said that he might be open to the ideas of “playing with other couples”. Mind blown. Well, kinda, mind irritated.

I was too tired for that conversation anyway. I was in bed an hour earlier than usual last night.

Today I feel like screaming. I don’t know why.

I am wondering whether any others with ASD struggle with interpreting boundaries?