Reflecting back

I read my post about what my husband said on Monday to him last night.

It made him angry. He accused me of remembering things the way that makes me feel ok about myself. Crucially, he remembers that we’d agreed not to bring anybody back to the house. I don’t remember it that way, but I trust that what he says is right.

Nevertheless, I was taken back by his anger on what I remembered from the night before. I didn’t think that this was going to work out well.

Oblivious ire

Crucially, I do remember him telling me that I say horrible things in the moment when I’m angry. I know this is right because, whilst I don’t remember much if what it said when I’m angry, I remember enough to know that I can say nasty, spiteful things in the moment.

Last time I’d said accused him of playing the “suicide game”.. That wasn’t very kind of me and hurt him.

The poor memory when emotional correlates with what the mental health nurse said about the emotional brain not having much of a memory. That’s interesting to know, but I’m not sure how it helps.

Plans to manage

Next time I see my counsellor, I plan to explore further why it is that feelings stay with me much longer than other people seem to hold onto them. Both my own feelings, and the feelings of others that I’ve received.

I need to add identifying and managing my own anger to that session.

Meltdown vs shutdown

My husband asked whether I was having a meltdown when he was talking to me. Nope. I was in a shutdown. Again.

I disappeared under a blanket for a while. I need to decompress some before is he able to speak.

From an observer’s perspective, one of my meltdowns would be active and verbal: such as my bad behaviour when angry, or one of the times that I’ve thrown things, or even my own overdoses.

A shutdown is passive: I disappear into myself, becoming possibly nonverbal and immobile.

Both are responses to emotional overwhelm.

Neither are useful behaviours in a healthy relationship.